I just have to let it all out...no matter how much like a 14 year old I sound (Even though I am)

I don't know if it's heartbreak or jealousy, but I can't stand the way he makes me feel anymore. I see them together all the time and it kills me to know that he never treated me like that and that he is way happier with her. I can't even stand being friends with him because when he is not talking to me and I know he is talking to her I go into another breakdown.

Being a girl sucks! I wish I could just get over it and move on with my life...I mean it's been nearly 9 months since we broke up so I don't understand why my heart still has strings attached to him. Could be that he was the first guy that I thought cared about me and I let it get the best of me. Maybe the first big crush hurts more than others because now I know for sure that I won't let myself fall so hard for anyone else.

Since the day I met him I knew I liked him more than any other guy. I felt like this was actually something. Anything but a simple "crush". It's been A year and 9 months since I met him and ever since I've liked him and I've thought of him every single day.

I probably fell hard for the words. That's what people say, that women fall for what they hear and men fall for what they see, even if it's all a lie.

In one side I'm glad this happened because now I learned my lesson. You can't trust people that easily and you can't let them get to your heart just like that. They have to show you that they actually care and that their words are honest.

In another side I feel foolish and stupid. All teens are foolish, I mean, we know nothing about life and making stupid mistakes is how we learn. But I still can't help but feel stupid about this, that I let his words just get to me like that.

And in another side I still have some hope for us, but that side is diminishing by the second. We had promised to always be friends no matter what happened but I don't think I can deal with that until I'm 100% over him.

Sometimes I see him as just a big brother, someone I want to punch in the face just for fun. Other times I see him as a friend. I know I can talk to him about anything. And then, I like him much more than just a friend.

But for now all I want is to get over him. Nine months....that is more than enough to get over a guy so I don't know why I was not able to do it.

I've told myself a million times "suck it up and move on" but it doesn't help. I really don't know why. There are two sides inside of me debating over this. One says she just likes him too much and the other side says to move on with her life.

Being a teen sucks.

-Chelen

Note: I did not say the "L" word in this entire journal