Not Meant To Be

I can’t please you. I can’t help you. I can’t move forward without your inconvenience. Everything I do hurts you. We never solve our disputes; we only run from them. The underlying problem may be as simple as we’re not meant to be. I shun that thought because I love you so much. You’re my brightest star. The reason I put away the blade and lighter is you.

I was swept off my feet before I even knew your name. Everything about you draws me in, captivates me. You’re an angel. Your smile and the side of you only I know, they were just the beginning. I can’t stay mad at you. I want to share everything with you. My heart aches when you’re gone. You’re eyes exemplify true beauty, a sign of what’s beneath the skin. I never want to leave your side. I dread every goodbye.

But despite how hard I try, I can’t change your mind. You just don’t see in me what I see in you, and it’s killing me. I end up hurting you by trying too hard. I hate how often I hurt you. I punish myself for causing your tears. You assure me it’s not my fault, but I know you’re only trying to protect me from myself, and that makes me love you even more. I can’t allow myself to give up despite you’re apparent and constant rejection. Should I give up or keep chasing pavements? I always find myself asking that. It’s hard to hang on to something that may never be, but it’s easier than throwing away all you ever wanted. You’re all I ever want. I don’t want anyone else, ever. They just can’t compare to you.

You’ll never understand my intense feelings for you, and honestly, I don’t think you want to. Maybe you’ll realize what you’ve lost when I’m gone and can’t come back. I’ve always come back to you. No matter who tried to convince me to be theirs, I wanted you. Maybe one day it’ll hit you that my love for you never disappeared. Others weren’t sure, but always I was. Even though I repeatedly tried to prove myself to you, you chose someone else. I was there for you through it all. I was always there. I’d cried for you, and I’d been your shoulder. I was the best friend when you knew I wanted more. And when I found out it was my best friend you chose, my heart broke.

You’d broken it before, but this in particular time, it hurt beyond comprehension. I couldn’t help but think how horrible a person I was. I did hurt you and just for that I shouldn’t be with you. I’d hurt the person I cared for the most. How could I? How could I hurt you of all people, the closest to my heart? And how could I hurt my best friend and chase after you? What was I supposed to do? I loved you more than anything, and I was ready to give it all up for you. I would’ve given my last breath just to be yours for a single day; a single day with you being mine. That’s how much you meant and mean to me.

You’re probably the person that hurt me the most, but I can’t be mad at you. When I’m around you, my emotions revert back to happiness. Your smile makes my day. I love you for who you are, but maybe we’re not meant to be. I can’t even think that, because I want you. More than you realize. I thought I was always there for you. I thought we were building something slowly, but it was a lie, or maybe I was just oblivious to the truth of the matter. Whatever it was, it crashed down and shattered my dreams; my dreams of you.

You’re always on my mind; all the time. And if you weren’t, it wouldn’t feel right. I wouldn’t be me. I never asked you to change any one aspect of who you are, never because if anything about you changed, you wouldn’t be who it is that makes you you. I love you, who you are, completely. Despite my feeble attempts, you still didn’t want me. I wasn’t worth the apple of your eye. I’m still not. And it hurts to know you don’t care about how it makes me feel that you don’t care. Knowing you could care less is painful. My heart’s already broken. Do you think it needs more pain? It doesn’t.

It needs a break; a chance to show my worth. If after one chance it failed, I would be more open to let go than I am now. Because then I would know it didn’t work instead of guessing it wouldn’t. Then I could always go back to how it didn’t work when I had regrets, or these feelings I’m having now. I would know. The way things are now, I’ll never know. You chose my best friend, at the time, and made me feel, in turn, like I didn’t deserve anyone, like anyone deserved better than me.

Maybe you’re right. Maybe I’m just so horrible that I’m not deserving or that everyone deserves better than me. Maybe we were never meant to be, but I’ll never know. No chances were given. Now, it’s too late for me. Supposedly it’s never too late, but I know there’s no chance. But knowing that makes me want it more. Even though I know we’ll never be, I just can’t give up. You mean too much to me. I can’t let myself give up because I know that when I do, the moment I give up, a chance will reveal itself, and I’m not going to pass up a chance for you. Not now, not ever.

Maybe it’s in the near future. Maybe you’ll see in me what I see in you. But those chances are slim to none. You hurt me so much, but I still love you with every fiber of my being. It won’t change, and for that I’m a huge hypocrite. I advise people against chasing something they know they’ll never get, but I can’t help myself. I tell them that after someone’s hurt them so much, they’re not worth it. The only problem is… you are. You’re worth everything and more, but maybe we’re just not meant to be.