Secret to a best friend.

God, I have no idea how to tell my best friend for 10 years a secret I have had for 4 years.
I know she wouldnt understand why I do it. She had told me before that she didnt understand why people do it to themself, I tried to explain to her why they do it, but she just thinks that its madness.
I dont want to carry this secret any longer, she has to know, when she ask how Im doing I just brush it of with a fake smile and a 'Im fine, dont worry'. She ask me for the next hour if I really am fine, she can see right true me that I lie. But not what Im doing. She cant see that, and I dont want to show her. But If I dont, Im gonna carry this burden for many years longer, if I dont kill myself doing it.
I hate what I do, but what am I suppose to do when I dont get the help I need.
My mom tries to help, but its not working. I've tried to help myself, but its to hard.

I love my best friend to death!
But I dont know what to do.
Because she wouldnt understand.

xJennywho