never can say goodbye

it's still hard to write something like this so bear with me. today marks 2 months since michael jackson's death and man its been a journey.

i want to write essays about this man. i want to show you he was not just a musical genius, a legend before he had reached the age of 20 but a hero all round. however everytime i try a huge lump forms in my throat and everything flies from my head. when i was a baby, most of his career had been and gone. by the time i was born he had released a greatest hits album and was about to embark on another world tour. he was pale too, not the chocolate brown my mother and my father had grown up with. apparently when i was a toddler my mum used to put billie jean on and id walk like he did in the video. by the time i could speak properly i was telling everyone about how i was going to marry michael jackson. he was one of favourite people in the world and he still is to some extent. god im crying already.

michael jackson was so much more than a pop star. i dont know if you knew this but he once helped a child receive a liver transplant - he met the kid once in hungary before deciding to raise the money so the poor soul could live past the age of 10. he wasnt asked to do such a deed and nor was he told to for publicity. it was out of the goodness of his heart and it was such a huge heart that i cannot begin to comprehend how much love he had hidden inside it, love he was desperate to give.

when i first heard that he was dead, i was in my pajamas and time seemed to stand still. michael jackson, the michael jackson was dead? it was impossible. he was the type of person who you never envisaged dying; invincible, immortal and armoured against the world as he had been for so many years. i didn’t cry when i found out because i was so shocked but throughout the day i got choked up a lot as it began to sunk in. the man i was going to marry was no more. in a way, a part of my childhood went along with him. i grew up on his wonderful music but also with his battle against the worlds hatred for him. he was a constant celebrity figure i grew up with.

his funeral was just as hard. from the moment they wheeled his casket into the spotlight i started sobbing. i had to go to an awards evening that night but when my mind was never off the memorial. i came home and cried for the remainder of the night. it hit me the hardest when paris said those few words. i was uncontrollable. it was a beautiful ceremony that did him justice i think.

2 months is a long time to miss somebody for, believe me. i didn’t think it was actually possible to miss someone who youve never met in your life but its a huge hole to fill. the hurt hasn’t numbed, not really. ive accepted it but i still hurt so bloody much. i miss michael jackson, with all of my being. he was such an extraordinary man that i cant even begin to say how much he means to me. ive said it before and ill say it again - nobody on earth knows the type of shit that man coped with but we all know how he got back up and carried on walking. michael jackson had strength, courage and a heart which i wish i had. he just wanted to love the world and for the world to love him; was that such a wrong thing to ask?

i have very few true heroes. my best friend is one and so is tom fletcher. i can now truthfully class michael jackson as one of my biggest heroes. he changed music. he broke racial barriers. he donated millions to charity. he wasn’t completely perfect, i know that, but he was as far to perfect as this world got and it hurts that he’s actually gone.

dancing on a cloud, soaring up so high.
watch me now, watch me fly! i'm peter pan!
i can do anything.
i soar so high! i am forever!

i love you. i will always love you.