Sometimes I Wish I Wasn't Me

I fought with my best friend last night. Why? Well, sit back, relax, and I'll tell ya. So, at a party my friend was having on last Saturday, we were just sitting around talking before going to sleep and I found out some stuff about her. You're probably wondering, 'Why did that lead to a fight?' See, the thing is, is it was a lot of personal stuff and what pissed me off was that I had to find out at the same time as a mutual friend who is a good friend, but not a best friend. Wow, that was kind of confusing, huh? Anyway.. I have nothing against Teresa, but I was kind of mad that Emily told her all this stuff before telling me. I mean, we are best friends and all. This is where the fight comes in. I texted Emily, asking her why she didn't tell me any of that stuff and the reason was...*drum roll* She didn't know what I would think, she didn't want to tell me while I had all this crap going on with me, and because I didn't ask. I was like, 'Oh, my God. What the heck?' First of all, the stuff that I found out wouldn't really affect me. That sounds kind of mean, but I don't mean it in a mean way. Second of all, she has told me stuff like this before. Third of all, she told our mutual best friend, Kristin and I bet Kristin didn't have to ask to find out. I was so pissed right then. Oh, and if she really was worried about what I would say/think, why would she talk about it while I was in the room? I mean, c'mon! Ugh. I don't know. It just doesn't make sense.

Then, somehow, we started talking about me and I was throwing the f-bomb left and right. I didn't want to talk about me and talking about stuff going on with me isn't something I'm good at. I don't like being all open and sharing my deepest, darkest feelings with people (unless I'm writing a journal and no one I know in the real world, instead of the cyber world, is going to read it); even with ones I love. I just can't handle it well. It makes me feel weak and raw and stuff. But, anyway, she asked me why I cut* myself (*I don't actually cut, you know, with a razor and everything, I, like, scratch myself. I dunno, it's hard to explain). And she was so mad because I wouldn't tell her why. She was like, 'If I'm your so called bff, you should be able to tell me why,' or something along those lines. Then she said, 'If you don't tell me why, I'll have no choice but to assume you're doing it for attention.' I was like, 'Are you fucking kidding me? If you're my best friend, you would believe me when I say that I'm not doing it for attention!' So, eventually, I just ended up spilling EVERYTHING on her. This is what I said (or something along those lines), 'You really wanna know? Because I'm the most emotional person ever and I can't handle stuff well; I feel alone, even when I know I'm not. I feel ugly as shit; I have to listen to all my friends talk about their boyfriends or stuff they've done, when I haven't had anything like it. Fuck, I haven't even had my first kiss yet, and here you are giving blow jobs and hand jobs! I'm stuck in a town I hate with a fucking PASSION! My aunt is a lying, betraying, BITCH and I hate her, yet I can't help but miss her like crazy. My parents are rarely home, and when they are, they're fighting, sleeping, or ignoring me.' (I might have forgotten stuff, but that's mostly what I said, not in that order. I just wrote them as I remembered them.) I was crying so hard, I could barely text. I don't remember exactly what she said, but she kept trying to deny everything that I had said and I kept arguing with her that she was wrong. Then she said, 'omg sam. I'm so pissed right now. You're not paying attention to what people are doing around you.' I was like, 'What the fuck? You asked me to tell you why I do this to myself. I was just honoring your request.' Her reply, 'I didn't ask you to argue with me. I was just trying to help.' Then I felt bad. 'I'm sorry. I really am. I know I suck at handling my emotions.' Her reply, 'It's okay.' I was like, 'No! It's not! See, this is another reason I do it! I say things that hurt the people I care about and then I regret saying anything at all because I can't shut my fucking mouth!' Her reply, 'Lol. It's okay.' Me, 'Okay..'. Her, 'I promise.' Me, 'Okay.' Her, ':-).' Me, 'Yeah.' Then she went to bed. So I'm guessing we actually settled it all without making it a huge deal like we used to do, which is good, I guess. I dunno.

Yeahh, so that's what happened. And now, all you people out there in Mibba-land, know all my deepest, darkest feelings! Yay for you! I'm going to bed now. /: