It was a dark & stormy night. I was sitting at home, drunk, bored and alone, and talking to my friend Kevin over Messenger. He was over the moon about this new girl he's seeing. I'm genuinely happy for him, really. He hasn't had the best luck with girls, so to see him so elated is wonderful. I consider him one of my best friends, ever since we met when we were fifteen at a student film festival. We've been through a lot together - let's just say the song, "Cool", by Gwen Stefani, is like our theme. We have a good thing going, the two of us now. I give him dating advice from the girls' perspective and he helps me translate guy speak, which is akin to Pentecostal speaking in tongues.
Then Kevin starts going on about how he can hear his roomate having sex in the next room. "Oh fuck, she's moaning," he griped.
"If she starts getting too loud, like on a level only dogs can hear, she's faking."
"I don't know. He's a big guy. Probably has a big penis."
"Hmm."
"My girlfriend measured me out when I was hard."
"Okay. ...... and?"
"One centimeter under eight inches =D. I'm told that's above average. ... Linden, what's the average?"
"About six inches." I am a plethora of useless information. Please believe me.
Poor Kevin. In my head I'm calling bullshit, but I'm just trying to humor him. He's a bit of a n00b at this whole, "sex" thing. "I've gotten laid 24 times since Monday!" he says, on a Thursday, which I'm positive is near the realms of physical impossibility, given the refractory period.
"Hehehe."
"Hey, don't start getting too cocky. [lol penispun] She's not the only lucky girl here." It was then I immediatley regretted saying that, and I also realized I should step away from the Stoli whilst on the internet.
"Ooooh. Who's the lucky guy?"
"None of your business."
"Come on!"
"No."
"Is it Andrew?
Zia?!
JORDAN?!"
He then proceeds to list off almost every guy I hang out with. I head desked.
"Yeah, sure." I kind of want this conversation to be over by now.
"You're phucking TWO of them?!"
"No! Why would you even assume that?"
"Then who is it?"
"We're playing it close to the vest. STFU."
"Fine."
Oi. I should probably go do something productive now. I leave for Scotland on Wednesday, and I'd like to get in one last update for A Comedy of Errors before I leave. I promise, I won't write drunk. I'll be gone for three weeks. I'll miss you, internets.
Coincidentally, Andrew & Zia worked on this Batman parody together. It never ceases to make me giggle. Especially the last two minutes. I love them both.
- Linden
My best friend thinks I'm a slut. FML.
August 27th, 2009 at 01:52am