Sexual orientation

So I've been a little fuzzy on this topic for a while.
Am I something other than straight? I don't know.
Really this whole topic has been really weird all of a sudden for me.

I had a conversation with my friend the other day about liking the same gender.
We talked about knowing for sure when you know if you're either Gay/lesbian/Pan sexual, Ect.
For some reason it made me think a whole lot.
If you have a crush on a girl, does it automatically make you Bi or Les. ?
We had this huge discussion all about it and now I can't get it out of my head.

So here I go:

It started last year when I met this girl named Sara. She was a huge tomboy, was really pale with really light almost white blond hair. She was extremely smart, really funny but shy at the same time. Then I started feeling funny, and let me tell you growing up the way I did it was not a good feeling what so ever. I started asking my parents what they thought of a different sexual orientation and like all parents they jumped to conclusions. I grew up in this religious Christian family where being something other than straight was one of the worst sins you could create. My mom said she was always cool with someone if they weren't straight but I knew that was only because it wasn't part of her family.

" why do you ask? What are you thinking? What are you talking about" jeez, it was just one question. I explained how it was a big topic now a days with all the Gay marriage fiasco and such.
" well there is nothing wrong with being a lesbian or gay but if you ever came with that crap I'd beat it out of you." Great what am I supposed to say to that?
I'm not confirming I am, but what if i was? It made me think of all the kids who had to work up the courage to say " hey mom I'm Gay." These kids have some serious confidence because i can barely tell my mom about a C+ on a math test.

so back to my story, I thought. What the hell? maybe I'm looking too into it. Sure I think Sara is pretty, and sweet, and really smart but that doesn't mean I like her. So I guess i developed my first crush on a girl that day which scared the hell out of me. Have you ever talked to someone about kissing the same gender and when you picture it you want to gag? well not this time. So then i started to panic. What the hell is going on with me? I'm never like this.

I've always been this complete guy obsessed chick who seriously was always picturing my wedding day and what color tux I want my husband to wear. No joke, I think i decided on yellow or olive green.

A month later I kind of got over it. I thought, dude this doesn't mean I'm something else, it just means I'm attracted to her and that's all. Plus, she was a huge tomboy, maybe my mind confused her with a dude? Haha, Good thing Sara doesn't know that.

I saw her again this year and the feelings came rushing back, holy shit this isn't right I kept thinking. I wanted to punch myself in the face, no really, I wanted to punch myself real hard. It turned out to be that she wasn't the only one. I started to think that "Lights" was completely gorgeous, I started to think that Alex Gaskarth's girlfriend was gorgeous. Oh shit, what the hell was I supposed to do now? This was far and way out of what my beliefs always had been. Far, far, far, far away from anything I had ever thought I'd think about.

And there I was. Stuck, stuck in a hole where I couldn't climb out. Wondering how others dealt with the same problem. Today I really don't know what I am. Whether I am Bisexual or not. I've basically stuck to guys, and guys only. But sometimes I have those small moments where I slip up.

It's not that I think there is anything wrong with being another sexual orientation. maybe I'm just scared of what people will think, what God would think because, yes I do believe in god. And yes I was raised to believe that Being Bisexual was a huge sin. Maybe I was just scared that I'd be out casted, unwanted, and labeled the wrong way. truth be told sometimes i shock myself in what I want.

sometimes I don't even know what I want too. All I know is that for now I'm leaving the label behind. I don't consider myself anything but a guy obsessed girl who sometimes thinks girls are pretty too now. Maybe that might change.

For now I just don't want to confuse myself anymore than I already have. I really don't even know what I'm doing.

let's leave it at that.