Self-Piteous Vent

I've never known what it's like to have a true friend. Never. I've barely had any friends at all besides the ones on the Internet. What is it like to have a true friend? Someone you can at least tell some of your secrets to? Someone who truly cares about you and will be there for you. The closest thing i've had to a true friend is my friend in my head, who is actually my imaginary boyfriend. Pathetic, right? If only you knew half of the crap in my head...

I'm making friends with this girl I used to know, but we haven't been friends since 2nd grade. We were really good friends, and I wish we still were. I sit with her and her friend at lunch. I feel like such an outcast there. I feel like the new person who can just be forgotten about so easily if I were to just disappear forever. The girl I'm trying to become friends with is super-nice. I've never met anyone nearly as nice as her, and I hope we can become great friends. I just wish we were now. She seems so caring and kind. I am unrightfully jealous of her friend at lunch. I wish I were her so bad. So much has happened since we were separated...

What if we don't become good friends? What if we barely become friends at all? Will I ever be able to make any friends? I get very nervous in social situations, especially around people I don't know well. I rarely get a chance to know people well, and they rarely get a chance to know me at all. I'm not sure if they ever would want to know me well.

I am very weak, whether I realize it or not. I was depressed before, and I don't know if I fully healed. I know I'm stronger, but I still feel like I'm weak in the core...

You have more than every right to hate me for this self-piteous, crappy journal entry. I definitely don't blame you.