I wish I knew.

I wish I knew.

I wish I knew what it felt like, to be in love.

I wish I knew what it felt like, to be broken-hearted.

I wish I knew.

When I tell people I wish I got hurt just so I knew what it felt like, they tell me I'm crazy. I know it's ridiculous; I know that no one wants to get hurt. But I'm not entirely crazy; I have my reasons. Even if they don't make sense to anyone else.

If I knew what love and heartbreak felt like, I'd be sharing something with almost everyone else in this world. I'd understand people better; you know, when they're all depressed because someone broke up with them, or because they got rejected? I'd be able to relate.

But I can't. Right now, the best I can do is imagine. Imagine, think, write. That's what I do. Everything I write is fiction; that's what I'm best at. The madly-in-love phase, the caught-cheating/betrayal scene, the crying-self-to-sleep -- all of it is imaginary.

I don't know what it's like to lose someone really close to me. I don't know what it feels like to have a secret I can't tell anyone. I don't know what it's like to feel like the world doesn't understand me. I don't know what it feels like to hate life. I don't know what real depression is.

So my lengths of being a writer are only so far. I can only write to the extent of what I can imagine; I can't write anything that I truly have to feel to understand. Heck, it's especially hard for someone like me to write a romance or tragedy, because I've never experienced anything like it.

I've never had a crush.

I've never been hit, or slapped, or caned.

I've never been told I was useless or stupid or a scum.

I've never almost lost someone extremely dear to me.

'Cause if I did experience these things, I'd probably be able to write what I want to; just exaggerate and imagine a little bit. But no, I've been protected all my life. I have to imagine everything from scratch. Yes, I should be thankful for that. Yes, I'm glad I've never been hurt, because well, being hurt hurts.

But never being hurt now means I'll be twice as vulnerable in the future.

I guess you could say I'm waiting for that time to come; I'm waiting for the time I get hurt. I'm expecting hurt; I'm expecting myself to get hurt so bad that I just break down. I wish I could prepare, but I can't. I'm gonna get hurt; I'm gonna break down worse than just about anyone else.

I can't prepare myself unless I get hurt now.

And that's why I want to get hurt.