Depression

The thing about depression that so many fail to grasp, at least those that have never been there, is that it's more than just feelings. It's an entire being and it latches onto you and refuses to let go. The more you struggle and fight the harder it seems to grasp. I've been fighting an uphill battle against depression for six years now (39% of my life), and mostly it seems depression is winning. I think I know what I'm talking about.

Depression isn't just being sad, it's forgetting how to be happy. Sometimes the weight of it is so heavy that I feel like I can't breathe. But it's not completely losing happiness, I suppose, because occasionally I find that the smile plastered across my face is not plastered at all, but instead naturally occurring. And when that happens the temptation to latch onto it, much in the same way depression has latched onto me, is great. But at the same time I find I'm pushing it away, rejecting the opportunity to be happy. Especially if it's a person. Because people can help you. But that requires letting them in. At least, that's how it is for me.

The more someone can help, the harder I seem to try to push them away. Or if I'm not pushing, I'm at least hiding inside myself. It's been a long time since I've honestly given a piece of myself to someone else. More often then not, it's just an act. I smile, and I laugh, and I joke, and I play. But I rarely feel any of it. The sad thing is that my family completely buys it. Even before I put on the act they still didn't notice the change in me. But I don't blame them. A lot was going 0n at the time.

I've gotten pretty close to hitting rock bottom a couple of times, but I always end up catching myself before I touch and working my way back towards the top. I've yet to reach either extreme.

Ah, but I'm droning. If this seems scrambled and hard to follow, I'm sorry. My brain works that way too. I don't let myself dwell anywhere in my mind, because my brain holds the biggest threat. There's this wall built up inside it and behind that wall is a piece of my past I'm not sure I want to remember. All I know, is that it is a big part of why I began the descent into this depression.

That's all I have to say for now.

Thanks for listening.