Don't Panic!

If only The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy's advice could save me now.

Last night I had the first anxiety attack I've had in a long time. I'd forgotten how bad they get. I honestly thought I'd gotten over my fear of people, at least a little bit, but it turns out I haven't. The only reason I haven't panicked for Quite Some Time is because I spent Quite Some Time avoiding the situations that make me panic. I haven't gotten over it at all.

There was a Welcome Party at the student Union last night, and I was going to go, I really was. But then I heard others getting ready and the noise from the crowds outside waiting for the Union to open reached my room and I began to feel sick. Truth is, I'd been kinda feeling sick all day, but it wasn't bad so I was going to ignore it. But then it got really bad. And my body went shaky and my mouth went dry. My heart rate inscreased. It lasted the whole hour leading up to it. I didn't start to calm down until everyone had left and I knew I'd be alone and was safe in the knowledge that no one was going to knock on my room asking if I was ready (I'd told people earlier I was going).

I went to the Quiz Night at the Union tonight though. Don't know why I didn't panic about that. Probably because there were significantly less people going. I don't know. But it was a bit of a waste of time anyway because I just sat there, not saying anything, occassionally singing along with a song I knew, but the music was so loud no one could hear me anyway.

So yes, avoiding a fear doesn't get rid of it. In fact, in a lot of cases, it makes it worse. Just like my Psychology teacher said when we were studying phobias. And I've been avoiding it for years. I don't want to avoid it anymore. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my stupid little life and that's the way things are heading at the moment. But I don't know how to change it. I don't know how to prevent the fear that stops me talking.

Actually, in a way, I sort of do. See, I'm more relaxed if I have a few drinks in me. I just don't want to go down that route because given my family history, my addictive personality, and my determination to get over this, it wouldn't end well.

There's a free councelling service at the Uni. I could try that. Though I don't know how I'm supposed to reveal my deepest darkest secrets to a stranger when I can barely even say hello to a stranger. But I suppose it's worth a try.

And, there's a guy who I'd like to get to know better and I'd like him to get to know me and see if anything happens. But, since I can barely talk, that's not going to happen. Even if I could, I've jsut found out that one of the few people I have spoken to likes him as well. Why does life do these things?

Life, the Universe, and Everything can be quite cruel sometimes. But hey, one of the answers at the Quiz Night was 42 and it amused me greatly. Perhaps the Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is How many dots are there in total on a pair of dice?.

Maybe not.