Girls In Trucks

I don't know who I am. Everything seems to unravel around me and no matter how hard I always seem to miss a stitch causing it to fall apart all over again. I'm scared and excited at the same time, frustrated and feel completely abnormal. I want a new body, personality, reputation, basically I want a redo.

But there's no such thing. I know I don't have it as bad as other people, hell most people go through almost the exact same thing. It's what I assume holds me back from telling my friends about all the crap that seems to happen over and over, how much there jokes about me actually hurt.

I can't even tell them about the fact that we had to put down my dog today, I've had her since I was seven and it hurts but at the same time I know it's not like a nuclear bomb went off and killed hundreds of people. But you think it be something I could tell them without jokes about how I actually have a heart and soul or maybe I'm not going to hell after all.

If I can't tell them about my dog how I'm I suppose to tell them that I'm scared to death to go back to the hospital because it wasn't just a procedure to me, no matter how much I put it off like it was nothing?

The one time I told them what was happening about me they didn't care and I had to act like it was fine, when it wasn't.

And now I have to go back and go through it all alone again and this time I'm not going to be so stupid and tell them what was happening when I get out. This time I'll hold it all in like I should have done.

Just like I do for everything else.

I'm constantly telling myself that it's not a big deal, a lot of people have it worse off then me, so whining and making this journal is just so...dramatic. When there's nothing to be dramatic about.

I made this journal public because I finally wanted to put that out there.
September 30th, 2009 at 02:40am