Helter Skelter

[Written in 2008]

I feel like a junkie. A junkie just gone cold turkey. Then again I don't know what its like to be a junkie. I've never taken drugs and the only thing I seem to be addicted to is pain. Mental pain, none of that weak physical pain. I believe that I love to hurt myself. Not consciously. I fear that my subconscious is. That girl I keep locked away for the moment is trying to get herself free. Strip me bear until my defenses are so far gone she can slip through the walls and the traps that keep her bound.

She cold be a great asset. I know this and she knows this. Thus the reason for her inflictions on our mind. But I cannot let her out. Not yet, Not now. It isn't safe and she is only but raw primal energy. Still needing time to formulate and grow. But every minute I allow to fight her she slips one step closer to getting free. I fear her. Not enough to cower for she is me. Yet enough to know the damage she can play. After all I did create her. Or is it she who created me? That's a question to be answered for the future.

It feels as though I have lost my equilibrium. The world moves around me yet stands still all at the same time I can see everything correctly but objects move and stay in place. Taunting me. I'm not crazy. Just lost and confused. I doubt anyone would understand and if they tell me they do they're full of shit. Then again I predict that a handful would get the gist of it. Not the people I call friends, most of them don't understand the slander I speak. They see 15% of what I want them to see, the other 85% is nonsense that only me and Anti-me understand. Except, not really.

My thoughts scare me, yet make me feel all tingly inside, like when you get excited for something you've been waiting for. My hand is shaking as I write this. The class is silent and the only thing I feel the need to do right now is scream. I want to throw the desk at the teacher, scare the freshman, and break down. I wan the adrenalin rush. Not the butterfly in the stomach feeling that I got after lunch. I want the hardcore adrenaline-your-life-could-be-in-jeopardy-rush. The kind you feel when you think you're going to get in a car wreck or when you're afraid you're going to get caught doing what you're not suppose to do. The heart-in-your-throat feeling.

I want so many things right now and nothing all at the same time. [deleted paragraph]

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I'm getting dizzy again. My head hurts, my eyes feel like they're failing me when they aren't. I need to find salvation in myself. Ignorance is bliss and I haven't been very ignorant in a long while. These children around me, how happy they seem. Unknowingly lambs to the slaughter. Deluded. Blind. Simple. And dumb.

She's calmed down. That's a good sign. I can rest easy for the moment.

Oh how I wish life were simple again.