Father

A significant figure.
One I wish I could look up to...
But sine he looks down on me, how can I?
Violent words and pangs of guilt, undeserved guilt, and a million scars up my arms to show for it. A chiropractor's word of scoliosis.
What from?
Daddy, of course.
I know he and I are both going to hell.
I'm going for hell for lying to him. For freedom, yes, but he is still my father. And a lie is a lie. But to save a soul...and to save my own soul...
He claims it's his "duty to save my soul." Bullshit. He stole my soul. He stole my sanity, gave me his mania. I blame him for my personal destruction. He's to blame.
I just want to be away from him...

I don't even love the one he stole from me anymore. At least that's what I tell myself. It wasn't like he was a first love, either...
Just so beyond special...
Of course, I understand he wasn't perfect. Far from. But I still loved him.

I couldn't protect him.
I didn't know.
So he was STOLEN.
Because I didn't know my father would stoop so low in his game of control as to watch his only blood daughter's heart break.
Does he have any idea what THAT did to my soul?
It tore it right in half.

And then there's her.
I know I'm killing her.
But what can I do?
She has a special place in my heart now. Always will.
But it can't drown out his.
Who am I talking about? How cryptic of me.

She=Daisy
He=Seth

How are they to know?
He doesn't care. She just...doesn't know.
I don't even care anymore.

Yes, I cut myself. Duh. It''s not like I'm going to bother lying about it.
My therapist says I just have a lot of anxiety. My psychatrist agrees. My mother's in denial. My father doesn't care. Seth doesn't care. And Daisy....
Well, I have to save Daisy from me.
From my father.
I knew that if Seth and I had kept going about in secret, I wouldn't be the only one hit. Dad wouldn't have cared. He would've gone right at Seth too.
So Seth made the right choice.
Seth saw the real light.
He knew I was crazy...

I never told him what was wrong. After the first day my Dad hit me, Seth asked for two weeks what was so wrong with me that I couldn't tell him. I didn't tell him.
Do I regret it?
I don't know.

Do I miss him?
I don't know.

Am I insane for still loving him, for hiding my cutting, for everything I've done?
I must be.

Do I want Daisy?
I don't know.

Do I never want to see my father again?
Yes.

Will that be ruled out by the man with the gavel?
I'll bet not.