Emotional Me

You know people used to question me. They would think that I say I'm emo as a style or something stupid like that. I knew that was never the case but I used to wonder if I wasn't as emotional as I thought I was. I now have no doubt in my mind that I'm emotional.

My best friend and I are no longer friends. Some of you might say "okay so your sad it doesn't mean your emotional." People tell me to "move on" or "let her go" but I still have this hope that somehow this is all a bad dream. A terrible mistake. We were so close. I pretty much see her everyday and she looks at me like I'm a stranger. Like we never talked for hours on end and laughed at everything and anything together. I see her cold distant eyes look right through me...everyday. I could almost die. I really can. I have wished for death so many times I lost count. I cry myself to sleep so much my body has made it a routine. I cry so hard I'm doubled over with the pain, gasping for air, practically screaming muffled sobs. The only thing I refuse to do during this depressing time is cut myself. My parents have gotten to suspicious and if they find out that I've been cutting myself for 3 years then they will make me go to a therapist. And sadly at this moment I wouldn't blame them.

The only friend I have left also tells me to let her go. I feel like such a burden. When I call her late at night crying hoping she would sooth my urge to cut myself and possibly commit suicide from the pain.

Now I know how my best friend felt. She lost a friend that was closer to her than me. I didn't understand the pain then but now...I understand all to well. Sometimes I dream I would lose my memory and remember everything but her. Maybe that would make it better. But there would always be a whole in my heart and I would never know why.

What I'm trying to say is all the people that ever questioned me as not being emotional I want you to know right now that I am. Not like "oh my gosh my hair is purple and I like my chemical romance! I'm emo!" shit. I mean like "I have thoughts of suicide, cries myself to sleep, don't give a fuck if you hate me because I hate myself even more" emotional.

I was having a moment where I just had to spill my guts before I cry myself into further depression...any comments good or bad what eva! Or even advise. I just had to write this all out.
~G'night.