October 12, 2009 2:02 am

I can't help but think that I'm doing something wrong. That I'm making myself so unavailable... I don't want to, I really don't. I want to be able to find someone who will make me as happy as he did. And it's breaking my heart that he's already found his someone to replace me. I still love him. No matter how much I deny it and try to suppress how I feel... I know in the end that I still love him, and that won't change.. it won't ever change. I think the part that's making this harder is his hostility towards me. He won't talk to me, won't mutter a word. Even when I do try to spark a conversation, he tries his hardest to kill it. Or at least, it seems that way. He seems happy. I'm glad he's happy. I'm glad he's found someone who makes him happy. I just wish I could say the same for myself. 'Cause I'm so bloody scared of being alone. I don't want to be left behind. I don't want to be the hopeless romantic who will never be able to find someone. I don't want to be that person. I want to feel what I felt when I was with him... 'cause it was amazing. Despite all of what's happened. I'd still love to have just one moment with him. Just one. No hostility, no awkwardness, just... us. Just us. But I won't get that. I know I won't. I won't get it and I'll just have to deal. And I know that me saying all of this really doesn't mean anything to you unless you're him [and even if you are him, you may not even care] But I've got high hopes. Probably too high for my own good. That somehow, some way... he'll read this. And maybe something good will come out of it. Just maybe.