How Many Times Can I Break Before I Shatter?

I don't like O.A.R. that much, but the song is fitting to my life at the moment.

And I'm always asking myself that question.

I don't want to feel this . . . broken, barren space anymore. Has anyone else ever felt it? It feels like there's a big gaping hole that leads to oblivion in your chest where your heart should sit?

My heart sits on the other side of my chest, BUT that's another story. :P If anyone decided to stab me in the heart, they would most certainly miss.

It's physically painful to me. Almost like heartburn, but it's not (especially if you haven't eaten anything for hours). It's just a big hole compiled of everything that's bringing me down in life, whether it's friendships, relationships, family life, anything. It all digs away at this hole, making it deeper and harder to climb out of every time.

For the past 5, going on 6 years, I have been trapped in a bottomless pit of depression. Over a year ago, though, I managed to climb out of it for the first time and it felt amazing to lift all the depression off of me and feel happy again.

Of course, there have been events in the past year that have pushed me right back in, and I'm now stuck at the bottom once again. I wanna get out and stay out.

To add on, my emotions are completely drained. All I can feel anymore is anxiety and panic, which morph into attacks that are getting worse by the day. I was able to stop them for a few years, but now they've returned. I have every symptom of panic and anxiety disorder possible: racing heart, hallucinations, shortness of breath, fear of dying, etc.

I'm even to the point at which I will not go places where I have had severe attacks. It almost prevents me from attending new places as well. In addition, all my attacks are over my weird phobias and fears, which I will not list because you will most likely call someone to lock me up in the looney bin. I will, however, list a few that really get to me.

1. Bridges.
2. Spinning.
3. Death.
4. Unstable structures.

I don't know how much more depression, attacks, or anything that I'm going to be able to handle before I snap.

Anyone out there that feels the same way I do?