Want.

All I want is to be happy.

I'm just a kid. I don't know where life will take me, but I do know that love is what I want. As cliche and stupid as this sounds; I want peace, love, and happiness. I'm sick of the drama. I'm sick of feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, hating who I am. I want to accept what type of person I am; but I can't do that if no one else will. Everyone who knows the real me says that they have no problem with me and who I am, but they act differently. They act like I'm a freak, insulting how I feel to my face. And they know who I am. You don't think those words will hurt? You don't think they will crush me? Well, they do. Words are more powerful than anything else. If only they knew. As if I have the guts.

Maybe i am as worthless as you tell me I am. Maybe I am self-centered and stupid. But I obviously can't control it. So I plan on making my time on this fucking planet worth every last second. I want to fall in love; is that too much to ask? It probably is. No one wants someone like me. Every song i listen to about love makes my stupid, cliche heart hurt. It's all I want. I don't care where I find it; in my school, at my church, even over the fucking internet. I want someone to tell me that maybe I am worth every breath I take.

Who the hell would want me? I'm disgusting; and I know it. I feel like killing myself. It's not the first time. Hell, it's not the tenth, either. Does anyone notice how I'm slowly fading away? Does anyone care? Does anyone care that i'm losing faith after every tear escapes from my glazed eyes? Would it matter to anyone if I disappeared?

I hate my family. I hate my school. I hate my back-stabbing, two-faced friends. I hate feeling selfish and stupid. I hate myself. I hate how filthy I am. I hate my life. Maybe I am just a whiny little bitch, but I don't even care anymore. I just want someone to love. That's all. I'd give it all up just for love. Everything. I just want to let it all out; but I know it's not okay. I know it will never be okay. Why the fuck can't i just say it? I disappoint myself. I am so pathetic; it makes me sick.

I want to do something about this. I'm sick of feeling this way. I'm sick of crying. I'm sick of having no one to talk to. I'm sick of having no one to say they love me. I'm so sick.

I ruined what could've been my only chance to be happy. I fucked myself over. When I get offers from people willing to listen, I reject them. They won't get it. They just redirect the concersation to their own issues. I get that, in our own lives it's all about us. Whatever. But I'm just looking for advice. I don't get any.

Maybe life just isn't for me. Maybe i'm supposed to kill myself. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

I need to find someone. I need to find a release. I need to find an instruction booklet on how to get through life and make it out alive.

I need help.