Please mom...

Sometimes I feel like I can't trust my mom. I love her, but I just don't feel close to her. She was really never around while I was a kid. She was a party-holic and a meth addict. She would disappear for days at a time, without a word of 'goodbye' or when she'd be back. I feel alone, empty. I hate myself, because I can't have a conversation with my own mother. I'm paranoid when she takes out the trash, or when she leaves to go to work, because I'm afraid she won't come back. I feel like everything is my fault, that she hates me. How we can never look each other in the eyes, how we fight about everything, how we scream at each other...
I mean, sure she's here now, but it's not the same. I think about the times where I would call her, and I'd be crying, and she couldn't talk because she'd be wasted. I've attempted suicide, maybe 3 times this year, I hate the way I am. I hate that I can't trust my mom. I want to forgive her for not being there, but it's hard. I live with her now, and we still don't talk. I can't erase the memories...the nightmares. Feeling alone, when your 8 yers old...having no one. I feel scared, timid...

I'm considered a mute at school. I don't talk. I don't laugh...I don't smile.
I sit alone, far away from the other kids. I don't have any friends. And the very few that I did have, found other people to hang with. I'm extremely alone...frightend. I'm afraid, that everyone I know, or get to know, will abandone me and learn to hate...like I think my mother did.

I need help. I just don't know how to ask.