Venting

a few weeks ago a guy that i kinda liked not really asked me out. I should of said no, but i said yes. I just can't say no sometimes to people. the next day he told me he loved me, i lied and said i loved him back.. Then I began acting very strange around him, he noticed too. Then two days later i break up with him. I wont tell him why. And then two days later he wants to know if we can still be friends.. i freeze and scream no inside my head but says yes. i know that he still feels the same way which scares me. and so now today he comes over and acts like we used to, i yell at him to leave me alone. Later on facebook he messages me asking whats wrong with him.. i tell him nothing.. a partial lie. he asks why im so depressed.. i freeze.. and say i cant tell him. he gets mad and says i wish I could make you smile like i used to. Im screaming inside, tearing myself apart. now things are only going to get more awkward. Why couldnt i have said no in the first place. And love it doesnt fade easily.. so hes still in love with me most likely. I want him out of my sight and far away from me. But i cant tell him that, I just can't. I hate talking to people, i barely even have a voice its so soft. And now things are going to get worse.. and im just going to continue lying to him. and one of these days something is going to happen, something horrible.

I have a feeling that one day he is going to hurt me in a demand for answers or hes going to get the idea i like him.. which i don't. whatever i felt then was barely anything. I'm sort of afraid of people in a sense.

Im that shy depressed girl who hates talking to people and will one day be in the newspaper for suicide..