What's wrong?

I feel bummed, nostalgic, disappointed, annoyed, exasperated, distressed, weary, worried, inexperienced, ignorant, bizarre, offbeat, abnormal, unusual, dark, mystifying, perplexed, unnatural, childish, immature, bamboozled, menacing, petrified, intense, and just plain sad.

In 6 long years I have not seen my mom's side of the family. I miss them so much. They live in Cuba and it makes me extremely mad to know that to renew my passport is a lot more expensive than many others. It pisses me off to know that the plane ticket cost so much and they are still increasing the price this holiday. And it pisses me off that I can't use the American passport.

My cousin, aunts, and her mom were extremely nice to pay for the passport as a present for when I turn 15 but those mother-------s that do the passports take too long in accepting it and re-doing it!

Then I read an email from grandma saying she has the "feeling" that I won't go this holiday, and I think she's right, which sucks.

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Lately I've felt like my life is going nowhere, like there is no purpose, no reason. I feel out of place everywhere I go and everyone I talk to. I feel like an alien. Different, confused, and from a different planet.

In school I don't talk, now for me that's normal, but I'm talking even less now. I only speak when I'm spoken to.

I feel like my days go by like a blur, the day after just like the day before. Nothing interesting or impacting happens, nothing to keep track of.

I don't even have a crush, which is very odd. I am not caring much for AP World History anymore, when I know I should.

Picture an old ragged doll sitting on your bed, and that's me.

It's confusing and annoying to not know what's wrong with me. I'm gaining weight while my cousins are losing it, like if I were a sponge absorbing everyone's negativity.

There is nothing to look forward to except college, thinking maybe when I do go to college, there will be more adventures and more things to experience and live through.

It's hard to say I don't feel happy because I've always been but I feel like I am not anymore. It's odd to say I want to come across someone who will stomp into my life and slap me out of this dream-like state I feel in.

Then I think about it and it's like my outside world is normal, everyone goes on with their life, I smile when I should, laugh when I must, argue when the time calls for, but when I enter my head it's just.....blank.

My own utopia is filled with nothing but fog.

I'm worried about myself thinking this isn't me. I wonder how long it'll take for this to go away.

And then I do have some days when I feel extraordinary happy and I want it to last forever, because really, being happy is so amazing. My body needs adrenaline.

There's a song that makes me feel in love all over again, but when it switches, I come back to reality.

New Moon made me think I had a purpose, but then the movie ended.

And then,

then I sit and watch like an eagle,

observing everyone's expression, the joy they must feel inside,

and I wonder,

what in the world is wrong with me?