"I Hate You" - I'm sorry.

I just made my dad cry. As if making my mom cry last night wasn't bad enough.

I went to the mall to see some friends last night. I thought my mom left, but she hadn't. I went outside and smoked and came back inside. And my mom texted asking where I was, so I said deb since I was just there. And she said "I'm in deb." So I said "I'm in the dollar store." and she came over to me. She kissed me and hugged me goodbye. Then she backed away and said "Your cheek's cold. Your eyes are red. You smell like smoke." So I stood there speechless. She said "I'll meet you in the car." I walked over to my friends, hugs and kisses goodbye since I won't be seeing them soon. My mom told me "Uncle Charlie just died of lung cancer." And I sat there, both of us in tears. I explained how I felt. How much I hate everything and I can't figure out why. How I couldn't appreciate anything and felt like I was sufficating. My mom cried.

Tomorrow's one of my best friend's birthday. She only invited me and her other best friend to sleepover. I was so excited to sleepover tonight. When I asked my mom if we could leave. She said we weren't. So I flipped out and walked away with tears glistening in my eyes. As I slipped away I said "Great. Let's make me stay here so I can sufficate in this damn house." My dad said "You're not sufficating. Stop trying to make yourself believe lives." And I said "Really? Plans I've had for a while, I can't go? I made a mistake. You smoked when you were 13 until you were, what? 16! Yeah. I made a mistake, tried something knew. I get I need to be punished but take away my best friend's birthday? You're not hurting me, but her." He said "I feel bad for that. But I'm concerned about you. I think you should stay here." I looked him straight in the eye and said "Don't be concerned about me. Go away. I don't want to talk to anyone. All I wanted was to see my best friend, then go ahead and kill me. But you took it away from me and I hate that. I'm sufficating here. I'm dying here. I hate everything about my life and I hate that about myself. I hate myself. I wish you'd just understand that but you can't so there's no reason wasting time and explaining." My dad sat there for a few minutes then got up and said "You know I love you. I'll always love you. You'll always be the most important thing to me, no matter what." And I said "I only wish you'd mean it." He walked away and I turned around to see his eyes all red and tears falling down his cheeks.

I'm feeling so guilty but I can't apoligize. I'm a selfish brat. I don't know what to do right now.