I Miss You

I miss my ex...so much..i don't know what to do.. I know its all my fault and everything though, I am a mess anymore and I don't get why. She was and is my world! but the thing is I had another girl in my mind as well and I had to see what its like to live before being in a relationship for so long, but I know I lost her. I know me and her are gone for good. And I know it is my fault.
I just wish for a few seconds I could tell her I love her again and talk to her but shes mad at me for breaking up with her. She knows why I want to in a way. Not the full reasons though. Then Johnna is going to think I should be "happy" yet I am when I talk to her at school but when I am home alone, I feel so depressed. I sleep but it takes forever to go to bed. I cry when I see a picture of my ex. I cry when I see stuff when I am alone...and I suck it up when I'm not. I am going crazy...but I know i will feel better when I see Johnna. I know I will. I need time to adjust to ever new thing. I just hope my ex will be ok....I do a lot..I miss her a lot..but I don't know if I can stay in a long distance relationship right now. I need to hug someone and say hi to them more then I do. I just feel like I am not meant to hold or kiss anyone. I know stupid, but thats what I just keep wanting to call myself..stupid...dumb...a freak..because I am all of that drilled in one. I want her back so badly..I want her but I can't..and I know I ruined her Christmas for sure..great more guilt. I just don't know what I want to do yet...Is that a bad thing?
well I better go.. lots of shit to deal with today.
whatever comment if you want.
love always,
Tiff