I Cut Myself and Now They Know It

I've been cutting myself for three years. Once there was a time when I put them in plain site for everyone to see...no one ever noticed. I soon started to cover them knowing what would happen if they did find out. At times I would where nothing on my arms and put on my fake smiles and they still wouldn't notice a thing. It took them three years, 2 suicide attempts, and 1 time that I let my guard down for them to figure out I wasn't the girl they thought I was. I am self harmer and now they know that. Finally they know. It seems so surreal. Almost like it's all a dream. My mom checks my arms everyday. Now they are ragged with scars from the last time she really looked at them three years ago. I never felt so naked. She stares at my scars and touches them with a grim frown. Her touch makes me want to flinch as if she is causing more pain then I have inflicted upon myself. I've all of a sudden been distant to my
"friends". It feels like I never had any at all. My mom tells me to be honest with people about how I feel but I can't. I've been holding everything in for so long I don't even know how to tell people anything anymore. It seems so stupid to try. To tell a person that there jokes I laugh at aren't funny. To tell my "friends" that I don't like the way they treat me. It seems stupid to bring it up NOW as if I'm telling them something that has nothing to do with a current conversation. Completely irrelevant. My mom says I can't cut myself anymore of coarse. Thank God I haven't had the urge. Nothing in my life has gone exceptionally wrong so I had no reason to punish myself. I'm afraid when the urge will come. I have tried to stop before and all that did was build up the anger and sadness until one night I was a bloody mess on my bedroom floor tears still flowing. My arms now swollen. I later counted after that time to know that I had cut myself 62 times. I never tried to stop after that. I just caved to the pressure. My mom said she would take me out of school and take me too a place where I can get help if I do it again. I don't want to leave my school. I like my school. I get to sing everyday because of my chorus class and I have 8 hours to step away from my life and socialize like a teenager. Even though I hate the school work. It's all worth it. I might get a psychologist. I actually want one because I can't speak to my family and even though I would have to spill my guts to a complete stranger, I won't have to look into the eyes of someone that has raised me. Someone that just wouldn't understand. My mind isn't like there's. They want to help me but they don't understand the pain and they never will. Maybe this stranger will understand. Maybe the next time I have the urge to cut they will help me surpass it. I don't want to hurt myself anymore.

I had to let that out. I had to type it all down and get it out of my head. No comments are needed but if you have any please go ahead and speak your mind because you can see I already have. Thank you anyone who has read this. Thanks.