Lolita.

To be someone else for a day.
Wearing a dress that makes me look pretty.
Hiding my true self beneath layers and layers of beautiful fabric.

I don't want to pretend, but it's hard not to when you don't know who your own self is.
What do I want?
What do I really, truly want?
It's hard to say.

I'll apologize one second, then the next say things like, I won't pretend that I'm sorry.
The cycle will start over again only minutes later.

I don't know who I am.
Does that bother you?
Will you yell at me more?

She looks at me, disgust in her eyes, and scoffs and curses and makes me feel like dirt.
But do I feel like dirt?
One second I do, the next I'm scoffing, cursing, yelling back, disgust in my eyes too.

It'd be nice to know who I am.
To know if I want these dresses because they're beautiful, or because I feel like I'll be failing others if I don't.
Who am I to be me?
Who am I to want what I want, say what I say, do what I do?
Surely I'm not good enough to be unashamed of who I am.
I should pretend.
To be someone I'm not.
Someone not so unashamed.
Does that mean I am ashamed to be unashamed?

I don't make sense, even to myself.
I want to make it all stop.
But I like the way things are.
And I want them to continue.
I want things to change.
But I want them to stay the same.
Because I'm afraid.
But I'm not afraid of anything.
I don't care about anything.
From now on, I want to hold my head up high and stare Fear directly in the eyes.
Unblinking.

But I'm too scared.
So I can't.