I absolutely hate having so much time on my hands that I over think everything. I miss school for the simple fact it'd give me something to do and give me something to take my mind off the nagging thoughts that seem to eat me alive. I hate feeling like this or making myself so worked up over stupid innocent things. Haven't you ever worked yourself up over absolutely nothing before?
I feel like everything is driven down to my one fear of being close to somebody and having them leave me. It's one of those fears that I can't suppress. I hate the fact that I constantly feel alone even though I have a girlfriend who I know cares for me deeply, its just hard when she's not always around and I just need someone to listen. Then the worst part is my ex coming back into my life and being there for me when my girlfriend can't. It's kind of confusing and it twists everything around.
I feel like I need to get over this, but I don't know how to get over this unsettling fear. The fear of also being hurt comes into mind especially when my ex cheated on me. I was very close to her and it literally tore me to pieces when I found out she had been cheating on me. It tears you up inside. I feel like maybe as much as I'm over my ex I'm not over the hurt she caused me which is making me so fearful of being close to someone again and them hurting me or leaving me. I feel silly for that, absolutely silly. Especially when my ex and my current girlfriend are two totally different people.
Any advice?
New Year's Resolutions
Mine are:
-Continue being a vegetarian
-Come out to my father as being gay.
-Lose some weight.
-Get good grades, cliche, I know.
-Be healthy
What are yours?
Love
How soon is it to tell someone you love them? I feel like I've almost become one of those people who say I love you after dating someone after three weeks. But, honestly. As I've gotten closer to my girlfriend and really spent close time with her. The sparks are there. The chemistry is there. I can't say it's love, but rather a strong attraction. But I feel like now, time shouldn't matter, whether you know somebody a week or two. I think what matters is the feelings you get when you're near that person or thinking of that person. It's the way they make you feel that matters, not how long you've been together. I realize now that when someone says I love you after two weeks, they could possibly mean it. But they could also just possibly be an idiot, but hey. You never know.
Oh, and if you ever have some time. There is really awesome movie called Loving Annabelle. It has some graphic nature, lesbian sex, straight sex. But in general, it's such a good movie. I really loved it. I recommend it. (:
What I hate the most; News Resolution(s); Love.
December 28th, 2009 at 09:39pm