Dark Mood

My buddies list tells me zero people are online right now. None of my friends, family, or even my boyfriend. This is the universe's way of telling me that I have no one. I pushed them all away. Every last one of them who've ever cared for me. I made them disappear. I made them disappear when all I wanted was to find that rock to hold on too. I guess I cut my own life line.

I don't know why the truth will set me off. It sends me back into that mood where I wish I was gone. I hate facing the cold hard truth. I hate being told what I know is true because than I can't fight back. If I tried to fight back the truth I might as well fight my shadow since it follows me everywhere I go. I hate that dark mood that over comes me when things in my life are going okay. I hate it so much.

Thanks to that mood, I've grown a developing hatred towards long sleeves. Long sleeves are a way to hide wrists and arms. Long sleeves are a way to hide a secret that will destroy my world. Long sleeves is what I'll be forced to where if I don't fight my dark mood. I hate long sleeves.

My parents told me today that I don't do anything in the house to help them out. I remember a time when I used to always do everything in the house. I hate that now I don't do shit to help them. I remained silent as my dad had to make me feel like the lazy piece of shit that I am. Once he was finished I continued to text Tomi about the whole conversation and mainly how I felt about it. Talking to someone on the phone would have been the wise choice for me at that point because simply talking to Tomi over text messages put me deeper into my mood. I wanted to relax and be released from my growing pain. I told him that I needed to relax the best way I knew how and than he started getting worried.

When I get like that I have a tendency to keep to myself. I don't like talking to any one by any means. Tomi began to call me for the next hour. He called me a total of nine times and left me two voice mails. I listened to both and I sunk even deeper into my mood. The first one I can hear him in pain. He was so out of breath and he was begging me to pick up and talk to him. The other voice mail was a little different. He was still in pain, but he had had enough of me keeping to myself. He was angry and he said so. Here's the short version of what he had to say.

"Look, don't call me. Forget it. I'm angry and in way to much pain. Please don't make this any worse. I'll see you Monday at school. Bye, I'm going to bed."

I don't think I can see him Monday. I'm torn between my instinct to run and hide, or take what's coming to me. I can't stand the fact that I'm hurting him. I can honestly say that I hate myself more than anything else. What I really hate is that I worried him for nothing. I didn't even go through "relaxation method". I couldn't. I kept seeing his face and hearing him begging me not to do it again. I just laid in bed crying and thinking about everything. Every little thought that that fucking mood can create. I wanted to "relax", I really did, but I couldn't. I hate long sleeves that much.

I sometimes wish that Tomi didn't care. It would make things a lot easier for me to disappear.