My First Diary Entry

Today is the first day of many. Like a blank page in a book. Soulless and lifeless. I have tried many times in the past to write a diary, but have always, like many things stopped. I have a lot of stress going on in my life at the moment, let me fill you in on the past year and a half of my life. At the start of year 11, I was 15, I found it a very stressful time for myself as my parents at this point had just split up and to be honest, I think my mam was lonely, she had little confidence and turned to eating into a depression, as an outsider, i found this normal, because I have known my mam to be nothing else. My dad was working a lot, and if not he would come home to his laptop and speak to no one, I understand my mams pain and frustration now, she tried talking to me and him about things, he would just ignore, and i would not understand as i was young. How could she? There was a time when i was young and we lived in the council flat, around the age of 6-7 and they broke up then for a good 8 to 10 months, I remember when i was told my dad was to leave in a couple of hours as my mam threw him out of the house, she stormed out and me and my dad curled up on the sofa and cried into each other’s arms, i can still remember the song being played upon the radio. That night i got no sleep, crying a thinking and the first couple months of my school, teachers saw a difference in me, i would fall asleep in the class, i would get into a load of fights, they also sent me to a specialist to see if i was dumb or not. The school was constantly ringing my mam and my mam got worried, not long after my parents got back together. I was also known as the “freak” kid in school all my life, i was a bi different and 100% did not fit in with my age group. Things were cool for a couple of years, i made friends, moved out of the dumb school and was always busy, but one summer when me and my mates and my boyfriend and dad went on a camping trip, my dad received a distressed and emotional call from my mam, my 14 year old cousin named Daniel had cancer, a type named leukaemia, at the time i did not see the seriousness of it, but as things moved along, i could see the seriousness of it, what really got me the most was, the cancer was taking over his body, yet his teenage hormones were making him grow so tall, it was sad to watch a young boy and your own blood deter ate each day within your eyes, and you able to do nothing about it. We were very similar in weird ways, we argued so much, hurting each other with our stupid comments and, in a way we were both out casts, he was the trouble causer, always in trouble, i was the one always missing out as i lived in London, they lived in Middlesbrough. We could also both draw exceptionally well. The last week he was about to die, he requested to be sent home, I think he was upset and disgusted by the hospitals and needed some comfort in his own home, on the night before he died, me and my cousin were set to go back to hers, a 40 minute drive in Yorkshire, he requested me before we left, and only we, i walked in smiling, but soon stopped as i seen everyone else wasn’t i held his hand and gave him a hug, then whispered in his ear; “goodbye Daniel” that night me and ash bash stayed in the same bed, around 4 in the morning we were both awoken to the news that Daniel had died, ash broke down into tears, i just didn’t say a word and didn’t cry until the actual funeral. After that i had to come back to London and go back to school, i was constantly depressed, always thinking of dan, i still do now and its nearly 8 years ago. 1 year after it was my granddads, for some reason i can remember hardly anything at all from y granddads funeral, all i remember is watching my family cry all around me, and me the only one not. And as always we had to come back to London, i soon moved onto high school and was eventually aloud to go with my best friend, we soon broke up as she found a new best mates and we had a massive row, i had to then make my own mates, I met Vaiga, my new best mate, and still are now, Carmen, Christellah and Zalika. In year nine though Vaiga had to move to a posh all girls school, although we still kept in touch, and we even still do now. I made some new friends, Claire, Emelia and Stella and Karen, to be honest i related mostly with Karen in year 11 than any other person, me and emelia and stella had a massive row, splitting up our little gang and didn’t speak to each other again, it was because they were bitching about everyone and it just got way out of hand. But i was also emotional from my parents recent split, i sat in my room and cried for hours, eventually turning to self harm, i don’t regret it, it felt so good at the time, releasing my anger and pain, no one can judge me because you don’t know what i was going through, my mam at the time had a new boy friend and things were so uncomfortable in the house, my dad said he was willing to forgive my mam for cheating, but she didn’t want to go back, learnt a LOT of new thing si didn’t know about my parents at this time, my mam then moved out got 6 months, then moved back in after not being able to afford the house, i signed up for a college in York, and now at the very moment, my new house in is York, i just couldn’t live any more ein this uncomfortable environment, my mam was just so wrapped up in her own world, my dad obsessed with his computer, i reduced to self harming and depression took over me. I decided to get a tattoo of two black angel wing son my wrist, one for my cousin dan and the other for my granddad tom, tomorrow which is the fifth of January 2010, it’s my great grandmas funeral, another one to endure and another chapter in my life that will make me stronger, i have missed out a lot of aspects as to what has happened in my life, but this is what i wanted to write down for the moment, i might let things leak later on, i don’t know, but I’ve decided, i’m going to get a red rose in the separation between my two angel wings for my great grandma, she was a n incredible, strong and a beautiful woman, this time i vowed myself to not wear black at funeral, but something that represented the person, i am wearing yellow and red. Good luck to me my fellow angels, this chapter in my life is going to make me stronger, and i know it.