Read this if you are good with advice.

I don’t want to sound like other teenagers who say that people are judging them and crap like that. I want to say that I’m the only one judging myself. I’m not vain, nor am I self centered. I absolutely hate change, and I simply don’t feel pretty unless I’m wearing all black, even down to my underwear. I can never leave my house without makeup, even if I sleep over a good friends house, I will put on eyeliner before I go to bed. My nails always have to be painted black, or else I will go crazy. I’m not being a trend setter and I’m not trying to shock people with the clothing I wear. Although I want to make a statement through clothes with a passion. I don’t want to grow up and I’m 17 years old. Yet I hate the word “teenager” and “crush” and I want to be kind of treated like an adult. Confessions are not something I do all the time, and I thought I should share this with people I don’t know. I know it sounds weird.

Well anyway back to my story, I do everything for my friends and my family, and what do I get in return? Nothing. One of my friends doesn’t seem to care about me anymore, all she cares about is herself. She is forcing shit on to me that she knows I don’t like, like Tokio Hotel and Adam Lambert. She spams me with retarded fan fictions about Adam Lambert, and I’m sick of it. When I talk to her about stuff I like, she says she doesn’t care and makes me feel like I’m wasting her time, when all I do is put up with her bullshit and say nice things like “Oh that Lambert video was cool!” when I want to say shit to offend her, because that’s all she’s doing to me. I talk about the Mighty Boosh and she’ll be like “Ugh stop talking about that. I only like Monty Python because its better and funnier.” Ok I’ll admit it, I sound like a complainer. But me and this girl have been best friends since elementary school. And now we’re developing this sort of “kind of more than friends” relationship and I don’t know where it’s going to go.

My other friend is so controlling and obsessed with me and she calls me names and makes fun of me because she knows I won’t tell her off for it. Because I’m a passive person, and I value our friendship, or what’s left of it. And there’s another thing, my cousin is ALWAYS yelling at me for doing something that doesn’t please her! We watch my DVD’s because she insists (even though she doesn‘t pay attention and texts the whole time), and every time she gets mad at me if I say lines under my breath. She says I annoy her all the time and shuns me when I’m being silly. We were watching my Supernatural DVD’s and she told me to get out of her room because I kissed the DVD case. I make her things and am never mean to her, yet all she does is make me feel stupid and unwanted. I have to live with her too, as well as my aunt and uncle, who are really friggen annoying only because they never clean up their messes and eat everything in plain sight and beyond. Seriously.

I also live with my grandmother, who is an amazing person and I would never intentionally hurt her. But I called her a bitch yesterday. I have a little anger problem, and I keep my emotions bottled up inside until I start throwing shit around my room and breaking stuff and slamming doors. Well in a nutshell, I don’t live with my mom, step dad and brother because my step dad abused me when I lived there, and then I started cutting, which led to stays at 2 mental institutions. Because apparently I’m the crazy one, and that’s why they put me on 5 different medications. I can’t really believe I’m saying this crap online. So my real father is an asshole and I don’t even know what he looks like. He left when my mom got pregnant at 17.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I were someone else, like a motivated person who actually doesn’t quit something before I “fail” at it. I wish I could have real talent, and go to college in England and be a writer or fashion designer or a hair stylist or an artist. I love all those things, but I’ve never told anyone. Besides, I’m not an artist and I don’t dress like someone who’s interested in fashion. I dress all the same. It’s either black, black, or more black. Occasionally some other dark color, but on a rare basis. Low self esteem has pushed me over the edge, and I’ve been in bad relationships before a million times. I was molested when I was young, and I just let that information out this year. I know my life sucks, but I know there are other people in this world, on this website, reading this blog, who’s lives are way worse than mine…
January 6th, 2010 at 03:09am