today i don’t know
anything much
not how i feel
or what i think
or how to act.
dad called me ungrateful
and said he was suicidal
because i take advantage
of everyone
so i called mom down
from upthevalleys
and cried into the shoulder
of her best new cardigan
and she told me
he used to say it to her
and not to worry
and then she had to go
and it took her all afternoon
to get home in the snow
he expected me to
go to school
after everything he said
and i didn’t
i left
slammed the door
walked on the ice
slipping and falling
and turned up at my nan’s
house crying my eyes out
and lied to the teachers
said i was ill
and i don’t know if that
makes me no better
than what he said i was
he won’t take me
seriously
won’t trust a word i say
i suppose with good reason
good for nothing
of course
i’m attention seeking
when all i ever do
is hide from the limelight
and i don’t know
if i’m crying
because i’m upset
or if i’m upset
because i want your attention
and i get upset
because i don’t know
if i am genuine
or if i’m upset because i want
your attention
ad nauseum
ad nauseum
i feel out of place
out of time
an anachronism
like i should be somewhere
else anywhere else
but here and now
don't want to worry people
take up their time
but i don't want to be
alone
but everyone who's ever said
i wouldn't have to be
has left
gone
i think i'm getting
scared to trust
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