Hurt

I really thought we had gotten past everything. Yes we broke up. Yes I left him for a guy I met when I moved. But we were still friends. Sure we fought a bit every now and then. Had a huge fought the one time and didn't talk for a while. But then he goes and puts something on his nex profile, where everyone can read it, that he knows will hurt me. He keeps telling me he still loves me whenever we talk. But now I think he's just leading me on so he can tear me down. I know I hurt him. I know I broke his heart. But just get over it. I couldn't take the distance. It's a good reason...isn't it? Even though i'm now engaged to the person I left him for it doesn't mean that I stopped caring about him. I still love him. He still is, and always will be, my first real love. He helped me through a bad break up when we first met. He seen what I did to myself and helped me stop before things got out of hand. It's what brought us together. But even then the distance was too much. Moving just made it that much worse for me, so I left. Even though I'm engaged, I can't help but want to be with him still. I love with so much it hurts. But I know I can't leave my faince. I don't want to chatter him like I shattered my ex. Being in the middle isn't easy or fun. It tears you apart to the point that you think death is the only way out. I know, I've been there. I still am there. I just want to be with him, but I can't leave my fiance. It doesn't make any sense. But it does at the same time. He was, and is, everything to me and I can't let him go. It's like I'm dragging him along and I hate that I'm doing it. But I can't be without him in any way. And I can't be without my fiance. But I can't be with them both. It hurts being in this situation. And I can't find any way out. How I've got this far, I don't know. But I just want it to stop. I want the pain to go away. I don't want to have to choose...to have my heart torn in two every time I turn around.