Well this is....odd?

Everything I have ever known, everything I have ever believed to be truth has come crashing down. For 6 years of my life I considered myself to be the Atheist. Now, however, after some hardcore researching (the good and credible along with the biased and nutcases) I guess I consider myself borderline. I say borderline because I now can see an actual higher power(s) being the creation of everything. It feels extremely weird to be writing this....I never thought I'd be writing the previous statement. Never say never, huh?

I'm not going to lie, I'm scared. I like knowing that I have complete control over my own life, my own decisions. I take complete responsibility for anything and everything I do, and I will gladly take the consequences of my actions whether they be good or bad. I found peace in knowing that I was completely random. If a true deity does exist then what was the purpose of creating the world, along with all its living things, we live in now? I guess the answer to that question is what I'm really afraid of.

Also, the possibility of an afterlife comes into play here. I DON'T want immortality, deity or no deity. The possibility of never dying terrifies me; two hundred, three hundred years from now will I still be able to stand the people I love and stand now? The afterlife is said to be an absolute utopia. This world, the world and life right now, is my utopia. I know that sounds extremely screwed up, alright---majorly screwed up, but the fact that everything is imperfect is beautiful to me. It makes you see the true beauty in the horrid wreck we've created for ourselves. When I die I expect my life to simply stop existing, I expect my soul (if there actually be one) to just flicker out like a candle flame. Maybe that's only because I can't stand the thought of existing and not being able to actually do something in this life, all I could possibly do is sit and watch this world pass by, scares me. The thought of not being able to help people in need breaks me.

Don't take me for one of those religious fanatics----if I ever become one of those intolerable people, may someone have mercy on me and either try to help change me or end me. I will always be one of the tolerable religious people. The possibility of one deity means that other deities are quite possible as well, it's just a matter of which one you believe makes the most sense.

So to conclude (yeah lame, still couldn't help it :)), here goes nothing and everything. After 6 years of being fully convinced that no deity was possibly I official declare myself........I'll just go with what I stated in the beginning: borderline on what religion/what deity it is that makes me whole.