untitled

This is something I posted on my Xanga about 40 minutes into the new year. It was just something I had to say, and I want to get it out to people for reasons I don't understand. It's just something I felt I HAD to do, don't ask me to explain, it's just, I have no idea. here it is.

A lot of things happened this year that I'm not happy about at all. first losing my niece b/c of my dumbass brother, my dumbass aunt doing everything she's been doing, but the thing that's started to get me really down was losing someone I never even met. I barely even seen him in real life, but he helped me more than he could ever know. He was a hero to me and I'll keep saying that proudly, not matter what happens. He was one of my biggest heroes, and he always will be.

JS is someone who can never be duplicated. He can never be replace. He was a one of a kind person, and he was the type of person who, even if you never met him, made you feel appreciated and wanted and loved. He felt like a best friend to you, no matter what he was doing. Whether playing drums, or chasing stallion ducks. He was always a person who could cheer you up, and he always will be.

ever since tuesday, whenever I think about JS, I want to cry, but I don't because I keep forcing myself to think, he was a free spirit, he wouldn't want anyone to mourn him. It's hard to talk about, because it makes it seem true, but the fact remains, James Owen Sullivan has gone. You can say he ran away, or he went into witness protection, but that doesn't change the truth, and the truth is he's gone. We'll never hear any new killer drum beats from him, or see any newer antics of his either.

this is one of the hardest things I've ever had to write about, and the fact remains that this is reminding me SO much of what I went through 5 years ago. I lost the one person in my life I knew I could count on, my one hero from my childhood. She was 31 when she left, way to young. JS was even younger, and he was just as important in my life, whether it be his music with his band, or just his videos, he was an important person to my sanity, even if he wasn't quite sane himself.

I've lost both grandmothers, an aunt, and my grandfather, and there a wound from my first grandmother's passing that, everytime I lose someone, it opens up, and I feel myself bleeding on the inside, where no one but me can see or feel it. The wound barely recovered when my second grandmother passed. The wound wasn't as deep with her because I wasn't as close to her, but it still bled. When that wound was healed up, it was cut again, but way deeper than before. The death of my aunt.

Losing her opened the wound again, but this time it went deeper, way deeper than when my first grandmother passed. I was 8 when I lost my grandma, so I didn't understand it, but I was 14 when I lost my aunt. I knew full and well what was going on then. I had lost my aunt, my best friend, my second mother...and I never got over it. Even now, 5 years later, I'm not over it. I still cry from losing her, from remembering her.

then, two years ago, the wound was refreshed again when my grandfather passed away. It wasn't entirely bad for me, but I was expecting it at the time.

When I heard about Rev, I didn't believe it. I refused to believe it, even though I was looking right at the statement Avenged Sevenfold made about it, I refused to believe it. He was like my aunt, he was so full of life, you couldn't imagine losing him at such a young age. I haven't really cried over him yet, but it's only a matter of time. I'm literally a ticking time bomb right now. I want to cry, but I can't bring myself to it. Everytime I think of him, I only think of the good, and it makes me laugh. I tear up every once in a while, and sometimes a couple tears slip, but I haven't had a good cry from this, at all yet. That's the one thing I want is a good cry for right now.

Many people have this damn thing with the "sex, drugs and rock and roll" bullshit, and i'm sick of it. Just because someone's in a rock band doesn't mean they go out and party every night, getting drunk or high or whatever. Sure, Jimmy drank, he probably did some form of a drug, but he didn't do it every night, he was just having fun with friends.

People think he can be replaced, but the truth is, he might be able to be replaced as a drummer *though it will be very, very, very, very difficult* he will NEVER be replaced as a person.

The wound I talked about before, it's still raw from my aunt and grandfather, and now it's slightly bleeding from losing Jimmy, even though I never met him. He was the type of person who could impact anyone.

I'm still in shock, and I will be for the longest time, but I know he's in a better place now. Who knows, maybe he's even met my family up there. He and grandpa could be having a beer together at this very moment.

the world will never be the same without these people in my life, but I can make it. I've been through a lot, and I'll be through more, as long as I can keep going on day at a time, I know I'll be alright