Loss

A new year, a fresh start, right? That's how that's supposed to work out. The ideal situation would be for me to have a clean slate to begin with. Apparently, that's not what whatever the hell controls this universe has in store for me. No, not at all. Losing people close to you is about one of the hardest things people have to deal with in their day-to-day lives. It's very hard to deal with at first, but what do you do when it has become so routine it leaves you with a numb feeling?

Is that even supposed to happen? Have I just lost a part of myself? It's hard to answer those questions. I'm really at a loss in every aspect. I don't know what to do, think, or feel. Death shouldn't be something that evokes no emotion out of me yet that's how I find myself responding. I loathe the lack of response, but don't know how to force myself to act otherwise. Losing several family members this past year hit me hard and then there was Jimmy or The Rev as most of you guys refer to him as. That was the climax of my year as far as anything went. All the anger, disappointment, and hurt that I had been holding in for that entire year just came pouring out. I couldn't hold it in anymore. It was impossible.

Now, it's simply a vacuum-- of nothingness. I, in every way, can't feel anything. I lost another family member and it evokes nothing out of me. I hope in some way this changes. I'd rather feel something than nothing at all because I know I should be feeling something-- anything at all. I'd like my sense of appetite again, the want to hang out with the very few friends I have that keep slipping through my fingers, the genuine desire to laugh and smile. I want all that back.

I don't want to lose myself.