I am an UNDERDOG

... I don't even know where I should fucking start. There are so many emotions that are running around my system right now. I have the urge to throw or break something but I also want to like crawl into a ball in my bed and just exhaust my eyes from crying. I also want to slam my head against something hard because I feel so stupid for letting her step on me all this time, for letting her fool me, for actually trusting her; I just feel so stupid and pathetic and like... I don't even know.

I thought she was like, my best friend but behind my back she actually did bad things to me or say bad things about me. It took me four years to realize what she was doing, FOUR fucking years. And whenever I hear situations the same as this, I'd always talk about how I wouldn't let anyone do that to me, that I would step up but in reality it was being done to me and I was just letting it be done to me. I am such a total hypocrite.

I haven't even stepped up to her yet, I haven't even confront her about this. I've thought about it though and I keep planning it in my head but whenever the chance slips up where I can take action on my plan, I plant a fake smile and act just how I acted before I knew what she was doing to me. I guess I'm too much of a coward to step up to her and that actually makes me feel even worse because that's another quality that she has that I don't. She's brave and she can pick a fight with anyone while when I'm a situation like that I can never muster up insults that I can say straight to my opponents face.

Now, I know why my brother said I was an underdog to her. It's true, I guess because I really am the lesser person when I'm standing beside her and if you'd ask anyone, really, they'd always pick her over me. Mainly because she's the "charming" one, even my mom said so which is just sad because, well, she's MY mom but I don't think my mom knew that that was going to hurt my feelings.

And ever since we became friends, I've always given her all the guys I like. (Not literally, you know what I mean). Even if I wasn't willing to give the guy away to her, I couldn't do anything about it because she's got these ways that make the guys ending up liking her. Even if I know the guy better than she does and even if I knew the guy longer than she did, once she makes small talk with him, it'll soon become a long and deep conversation and before I know it, the guy will be gushing at me like a girl telling me that he likes her and he's asking help from me. And what do I DO? I smile and laugh and tease him about her and I do take his offer and help him. She does this even if I've already told her I like the guy, it's like nothing to her and I just let her do it. I don't even get mad or anything at her, I just...again;let her do it.
And who ends up with a broken heart? Oh, I don't know? maybe.... Me? yeah, that's right. ME!

Another reason why I'm too afraid to pick a fight with her is because I know A LOT of people will defend her because she's little miss popular at school (a school where I thankfully don't go to anymore) and I don't have an army like she does. So I'm going to have a lot of people hating my ass. One more thing why I don't want to pick a fight with her is because I don't want to finish this friendship, I know, I sound fucking crazy, right?? But, okay, I'm tired of this friendship, I'm so sick of being the lesser person and I'm so sick of her doing this to me but I don't want to let go of the good times we had and I don't want to accept the fact that those good times of my life were spend with someone who is like her.

But I'm not trying to make her like, look really bad. Maybe, she's doing all this because I'm the bad person. Maybe, it's not her and it's me and maybe that's why everyone would pick her over me. But... I've never done anything bad to anyone, if I've done anything then that's help people, even if I'm not completely close with them, even if that person hasn't treated me right.
I can't stand seeing anyone being picked at because maybe, because I've felt how it feels and I don't want anyone to feel what I felt when I was being compared to her and when I was being used by her like a cigarette that slowly burns out until it becomes to nothing but ashes.

When will I be able to face her?

When will I get the courage to?

Will I just let myself become to ashes?

(sigh)