29 days, 20 hours and 16 minutes. Hello, social rejection.

At this moment in time we are 29 days, 20 hours and 49 minutes into 2010.

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Topic one of my journal is a small rant. Please ignore if you want the meaningful stuff.

Recently I've been trying to figure out a lot of things. I thought I had it all right, who I was, who my friends were, school, who I wanted to be, WHAT I wanted to be. And I realised that I've been getting it all wrong.

I've been so confused. I barely know which way is up or down, left or right. I'm not sure where my head is at and I sure as hell know my feet arent on the ground.

I have three best friends in this world.

Bestfriendone knows where she's going. At the moment, she just doesn't know which road to take to get there.
Bestfriendtwo knows what she wants. She just doesnt have a destination and she keeps going in circles.
Bestfriendthree is a whole other story. He's barely on our planet nevermind walking down metaphorical roads.

I worry way too much about all three of those people. Because every single one of them are sitting on self-destruct buttons. In more ways than some, I'm worried for selfish reasons. If I lose one of those people, part of me will be gone. Right at this moment in time - now 29 days, 20 hours and 57 minutes - I don't think I could mentally and physically deal with losing any part of me. I wish they'd stop giving me reason to worry. Particularly bestfriendthree, who right now is occupying every single thought that runs through my head.

I have a good life. I have amazing friends. I'm just scared about my future and who I am and everything else thats going on right now.

I am nearly sixteen years old, and yet it feels like I'm thirty-six.
And I don't know how to stop feeling like that so I can get on with my youth and have fun while I still have my opportunities.

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Topic 2 of this journal:

I wish everyone would stop complaining about how fucked up the world is.
Right, we get it. We came into the generation of social rejection, where nobody is accepted for who they are, but rather, what they wear or what music they listen to. We came into the generation where you can't be accepted without conformity. We came into the generation where we can't be accepted without going out and getting blootered (for all those non-Scots out there, "blootered" basically means getting so wasted you can't see straight), losing our innocence and proclaiming sin.
At least, where I live, all these points are valid.
And everyday I see those few people who have pushed through. I hear those few people who tell me,
"We can't be ourselves anymore because people dont let us. The government doesnt let us. The world does not let us just be ourselves."
Everyday I hear those few people who make my ears bleed with the same depressed drivel about how we are controlled, when we arent. I hear those people who try to tell me that I don't have the freedom to express myself and just live.
Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, folks. But we all have freedom.

Please just stop complaining. Because if that's the conditions we have been brought up in - social rejection, conformity, drugs, alcohol - then we are the only generation that can change that for the time being.

Instead of moaning about it and wallowing in self-depression about how "little freedom" we have, why not go out there and make a change?
Because we can.

So I wish everyone would stop complaining about how fucked up the world is, and get on with changing it. Because if the majority are complaining, then surely, the majority are the folk who can do something about it.
Right?

If I'm honest, I kinda like it. Being able to say how fucked up the world is and how I managed to pull out of what I was becoming. I kinda like being able to say, look at all of those people the same age as me, and look at who I have become, even though thats what I've been around for all of my life.

Look at where I came from, and look where I am now.

At this moment in time it is 29 days, 21 hours and 14 minutes into the year 2010.

Albeit a stressful 29 days, I've realised a lot of things.
Mostly that 2010 is my year for figuring out who I am. 2010 is my year for using my freedom.

always,
K.