Life after death.

I don't know what to believe. This is all prompted by RE lessons that are designed to make you think, but I don't think they're supposed to make you suppose this obsessively. Hell, in my school even the teachers don't take RE seriously. But it's one of my favourite subjects. Even if it can make me think, and obsess over an idea. Maybe because it can.

(And I sometimes need a 'safe' thought to obsess over. I sometimes need a topic that I can completely let take my mind over, just so that I don't let more negative thoughts consume me. My thoughts can turn into vicious circles when I think negatively, ahah.)

But back to the topic at hand. I don't know what I believe. The worksheets that my RE teacher gave us on this topic really made me question what I believe. I really don't know.

I don't believe in Hell. I don't really buy the idea of Heaven. I have a bit of a Marxist tendency to think that religion in the general is just a way to keep the poorer classes from wanting more, as a way of promising them reward for their suffering.

Y'know. I'm not attacking any idea or anything. I don't even know why I should have to clarify that I'm not attacking anyone. People shouldn't be so bloody uptight. Let people have their opinions and you can have yours, and all that. But anyway. I'm not attacking anyone. I'm not saying anyone is wrong. At all. I'm trying to figure out my own little opinion in this huge and confusing world. And all that.

But I want to believe in an afterlife. It's a scary thought, to think that once you're dead, you're dead. I don't know if I believe in an afterlife because that's what I believe or if I just don't want to believe there's nothing. My ideas conflict each other.

My philosophy on life is a bit Dumbledore in a way, "to the well-organised mind, death is but the next great adventure". I think the point of death, in a way, is that you don't know what's gonna happen. If someone offered me a chance to know what happened after your heart stops beating, I wouldn't want to know.

I can't ever remember being scared of dying. My brother is, terribly, but I can't relate to his fear at all. (I don't know why anyone is scared of dying. It's not like you can prevent it. The only way to really find peace at death is to live a life doing what makes you happy.) But I can always remember wondering. And when my granddad nearly died I was twelve or thirteen and lonely as fuck. I obsessed over other people around me dying. I've only ever been scared of other people dying.

I don't know why that's relevant but I think it is. I think death is something you have to accept as a very sad, but beautiful part of life. So I don't know if there's an afterlife. But Nothingness is scarier than Hell, to me. Torchwood terrified me when Owen came back and told Martha that there was 'nothing'. Although, I suppose, if there's nothing, you don't have time to reminisce, do you?

But I'd rather die and there be nothing than live forever. Torchwood and Harry Potter have both taught me that. Captain Jack and Nicholas Flammel and He Who Must Not Be Named and Dumbledore have taught me that forever would make you lose appreciation for life. That's not life. That's a half life, a cursed life. If you can live forever but not ever make the time to just go to a park in autumn and just breathe in clean air or just listen to a song and feel perfect or notice the pattern in the flecks in the paving stones on the sidewalk or whatever - there's no point.

But I do believe in ghosts. Whether ghosts are real souls who are lost, or if they are just emotions, really strong emotions or memories imprinted into the stone in the walls of a building. I don't know. I believe in them. I think ghosts are the moments when you can feel someone behind you in an empty room, deja vu. That sort of thing. But I believe in ghosts. Not y'know, great flapping white sheets but emotions. Memories. That sort.

I don't know why I'm typing this. I think I want to sort it out in my own head more than anything else and it probably sounds silly, that half of the things I believe come from popular culture. I want to believe in something but it's like I haven't quite found anything that fits yet. I think it's a journey. And we'll never quite find the end, but you have to try and enjoy getting there.

I like hearing opinions on this sort of thing.
What's yours?
February 1st, 2010 at 10:18pm