Don't Know What to Think.

I thought I heard about my friend being on anti-depressants. I thought I heard her about being suicidal. I thought I heard her other friends saying she was in the hospital.

I was right. Sometimes, it downright sucks to be right. Even when I'd first assumed she was depressed, which was before we were even friends, I was right.

Now that she actually told me that she was in the hospital for trying to overdose herself with her anxiety pills and self-harming, I don't know how to feel or what to think. I didn't even imagine that she was still depressed, but I suppose people are good at pretending to be happy. Well, maybe she was happy when I was with her but not other times.

I sort of don't have any emotion about it, but that's probably because I'm avoiding thinking about it. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to think about losing her or anyone else to suicide. I don't want anyone to die at all.

I can't imagine losing one of my friends to suicide. Not a single one of them. I don't know if I'd be able to cope with that, especially since I know what it's like to be suicidal and to be close to killing oneself...

She is the nicest person I've ever met, and she definitely does not deserve to be depressed. I wish I were there for her more. I really do.

I probably wouldn't even be invited to her funeral if she were to die, since her parents don't know me, any more. We used to be friends in elementary, too, but then she had to move to another school.

She also told me tonight that the same worthless scumbags who used to bully me and sometimes still do are now bullying her in our art class. If I'd noticed them bothering her at all, I would've told them off immediately, I don't want her getting hurt by their idiocy.

One of my Internet friends also considers suicide, and I don't know what I'd do if I lost her, either. I don't think I'd find out, but if she were to suddenly stop chatting with me for a long period of time, that'd be a huge hint.

I guess the sorrow of possibly losing someone is an emotion I don't let into my heart, even though I know I could easily lose someone at any time. Even my family members aren't in the generally safe area. My mom has horrible health problems, and so does my aunt and uncle. Honestly, though, anyone could die at any given moment-- even the healthy.

For example, a kid in my class died last fall in an ATV accident. That was tragic. The first day back to school had to be one of the saddest. Everyone was so depressed, and the feeling permeated through us all. At least we didn't have to face death alone.

I couldn't imagine having to go through that with someone I was actually close to. Sure, I wouldn't be alone, but that wouldn't help nearly enough. I don't think I'd even come to school for a while if that happened. If the school tried to preach to me about my attendance, I wouldn't care. Maybe I wouldn't even be able to go back to school if that happened.

I guess we have to go through this at one point or another. Realization. It sucks.