Under the Influence 24/7 [Rant]

So, my life has been flipped upside down...again. I feel like i'm living on a god damned roller coaster. I hate roller coasters. I'm terrified of heights.

I'm drinking my vodka again... I can tell this is going to become a tradition. Drinking while writing in this damned journal.

The truth is, I don't think I could go more than a day or two without my venom.
I'm addicted to being debilitated.

I'm always under some sort of high or at least a little bit buzzed. On the rare occasions when i can't get a hold of anything, I at least have my nicotine. Though, truthfully, they're a constant companion.

No one knows everything I do. The people I smoke weed with think I just do weed. The people I get powder from think I just do powder. the people I get the other drugs from, well hell, they don't give a damn to ask.

I'm afraid of my own mind- that's the conclusion I've come to. I'm terrified of my memories and my thoughts. I'm afraid of being able to actually think. I need to put a blur over everything. Life is so much better when it's out of focus.

Dancing in and out of consciousness is so much better than being aware all of the time.

When everything is softened by my venoms things don't hurt as much. The whispers behind my back and yells against my ear don't hurt as much. I'm able to ignore the look in his eyes. The bruises don't seem to matter as much, and the scars that are beginning to fade away don't taunt me quite as loudly.

Oh fuck, how I crave that. To be able to slice myself open and discover my humanity. The ecstasy of the silver against skin and the warm gush of blood is better than any drug I've consumed.

I'm going through withdrawl just thinking about it. My hands are shaking. I've retyped the last few sentences twice, because of it.
.....
A few drags of my cigarette and a burning swallow of my vodka are all it takes; and the tingling in my veins tapers off and the urge to pull the knife from it's cobwebbed hiding spot dissapears.

7 months. There's no way in hell i'm going back now. I'm going to take comfort in my drugs, and take solace in my alchohol. Don't you dare try and make me stop.

No argument in the world could convince me to bid my friends farewell. I'm reckless beyond comparison. The worse you make it seem, the more I want it.

I want what will hurt me and I fear what will help me.

Fuck the world, I'll build my own Utopia.