Journal #1

I've had a lot on my mind these past 2 weeks, more than I usually do.

If you knew who I was, you would have known that I've been through quite a lot in the past year. I'm clinically depressed and suicidal, and I have used drugs and alcohol as an escape. I never really confided in most of my friends about my situation, because they don't understand. I mean, I know a lot of people complain about how "nobody understands" and whatnot, but these people really just don't get it. I tried telling them about it once, and all they could say was, "What's wrong with you? Why would you ever think of doing that? I can't believe you." And so on.

Within the past couple months, I had a boyfriend. We dated for over a month, but I truly felt a connection with him. He always told me, "Remember, you can tell me anything." So I did. I'm normally a very open person, and with him, I always told him my feelings and opinions. I even trusted him with the whole depression/suicide thing, and I figured he would be able to help me through it. I was so glad I had someone like him. I could have sworn that I fell in love with him in the process, also. So when he broke up with me, I just fell apart. I trusted him with everything and he pretty much left me here to fend for myself. I felt so helpless and alone.

I do still talk to him now, and we are just friends. I'm not necessarily over the whole break up yet, but I don't make it obvious because it would just make things more complicated between us.

So the other day, my friend and him were talking because they both went on this school trip together. She found out something that really just hurt me. I'm not supposed to know, but I'm really glad (and also upset at the same time) that she told me.

Part of the reason on why he broke up with me is because I was so suicidal. He said that it became really annoying after a while, which I do understand, but I thought he would be there for me. Did he really think that leaving me would make it any better? Of course, if he lost interest, I don't expect him to stay out of pity. That would be messed up, but it just sucks.

I don't really look at him the same anymore after that, but he doesn't know that I know. I still crave his attention, and I don't know why. Every time I see him, I become paranoid about how I look, what I'm doing, and how he sees me. I want him to notice me.

I honestly consider him to be my second love, even though we had dated for such a short amount of time. I'm a messed up person who can't get their heart straightened out, because I do love my first love with all my heart, and I'm sure of that, BUT, I'm not saying that I'm glad my second love and I didn't work out. I wish we could have lasted a little longer because I thought we had something special. Love is tricky, you know? You can't always get what you want, no matter how much you want it. Life doesn't work like that. You have to appreciate what you have now, and also appreciate what you used to have in the past.