The Last Night. - Skillet

I am so messed up these days. So many problems. I love him soo much yet I continue to hurt myself, pushing him away while I do so. I don't mean to. I really don't. It was so hard when he left me for her, it nearly killed me, but now I know he wants me. Its what I want more than anything else but the distance....Its hard. And I continue to push him farther away, hurting myself and him. I want him to be around all the time, so i don't have to be alone anymore. Sure I have friends but they can't make me smile, and laugh when I'm basically in tears over my great grandmother's multiple strokes. I want him to be my everything, and I think he wants it too, but i want my everything all the time. Its so hard, he told me he'd always be there and i know he would be, but I don't know. He asked me why I hurt myself and I can't tell him. Its not about him, well not exactly,but I just can't. I don't want to hurt him anymore. All I want is his happiness, but I'm whats bringing him down, and its slowly tearing me to pieces. I'm not an emotional person but hurting him is seriously tearing me apart. I need to tell him why i do it but I don't know, its so hard.

To top it off the dream I had was so bad. Like I said I'm not an overly emotional person, but that dream, or rather nightmare made me cry. I woke up this morning, with tears streaming down my face and I had to text him to make sure none of it was real. He has crazy medical problems and that dream was so real. We had gotten into a huge argument, and i told him i hated him and he told me the same. This is the point i figured it was a dream, I would never say that to him. Ever. But he had just come to see me after getting his licence and we had gotten into some stupid argument over nothing, when we told eachother those three words and i dont mean I love you. He got in his truck, drove away, leaving me crying and broken in the street. The next thing I hear is the squealing of tires and sound of metal being bent. And in my nightmare I knew.The last words I said to him was "I hate you". I was so relived when he texted me back this morning.

I dont know what I would do without him, he's the reason i wake up in the morning, the reason i'm still sane, the reason i stopped the pills, the reason i'm stopping the drugs. Tonight was supposed to be my last high. But he worries so much, and stress doesn't help the coughing up blood and nose bleeds, so tonight isn't my last high. My last high was the last time I got high. I quit. I give up. Drugs are ruining things. They ruined my mum's life, and they're ruin mine. I'm no stoner but i do it every so often. But that stops now.