Clockwork.

I'm becoming strangely obsessed with how minds work. How people understand things from their point of view and how they grasp reality in a way where it doesn't conflict with that of others, but it's all in their own. I want to understand everything, realize why people do what they do, why they feel what they feel, everything.

I suffer. Though I've yet to find my own cure, I have this weird notion that if I understand everybody else's problems, somehow I'll be able to relate it back to my own, creating my own method of self healing. There are things I've tried to fix this, things I've done, nothing has worked. I feel as though if I can understand everybody else, somehow I'll be able to pick out certain similarities and be able to create a foolproof medicine for myself.

I've been feeling as though I'm not myself. The normal me wouldn't think things through this throughly and in depth. I don't usually see others as being key to my own wellness, but lately all I've wanted to do was help people, understand them in order to figure out what makes them tick, perhaps it'll help me figure out what makes me tick.

I was talking to somebody earlier about their eating problems. I hope they get over it soon. I questioned them over and over about everything that came to my mind. How often do they eat, do they vomit every time they eat, how long do they go without eating for without having to give in? Everything interested me. They had two inner selves. The one they knew, and the one they referred to as another name. It was like a conflicting force inside of them that they knew existed, but was so different, so foreign to their own mentality that they knew it couldn't be considered part of their own consciousness. This other self was considered the part of them that decided what they ate. I wish I could really understand how they see this.

Sometimes I wish I was blind, deaf, mute.. just so I could understand how people live and get through life. I want to understand mental illnesses and anxiety disorders to the full extent of my being just so if I ever encounter this in my lifetime, I'll have experience, though not my own, to deal with this problem. I want to be able to have some type of knowledge of the problem so I can deal with it effectively, instead of having to deal with the problem head on right there and then.

I don't know if this counts as a fear, if I'm so scared that I'm going to become more different than I already am so much as to planning ahead of time for that which may never happen, or if I'm just so in tune with helping people that I'm trying to help myself at the same time. I'm not being selfish, am I? As long as others benefit from my understandings, this doesn't count as a selfish act by any means does it? I really hope not.