Thats What Love is

*****A note to my readers: My journals are strictly me clearing my head. I write down whatever I feel, whatever comes to mind, goes on paper. I am not asking for your advice, though I will not turn away from it. I am not asking for feedback, though I sometimes am curious as to what you think*****

Is this how I am supposed to be living? Am I really this alone? Let myself drift as far away from everyone as I possibly can? Let them fade and distance myself from their words, their stares, their prejudice, and their judgment?

Whenever I get close to someone, I end up getting hurt. And each time I try again it hurts worse when I realize I made the same mistake again. I put up walls around my heart and make sure to let less and less out, in hopes that eventually I will find the perfect balance to what I can reveal about myself so as to not get hurt. I’ve created bars around my soul, through which only the slightest details can squeeze through. Because letting the most important memories and feelings through the bars will only cause me pain and torment. Those memories are torn down and burned and it rips me open inside, and leaves me even more defenseless, alone, and hopeless. Those feelings are ridiculed, and I’m abandoned after being beaten, abused, and neglected.

I’m letting the people I loved drift away from me, I’m not trying to stop them. It’s one less thing I have to deal with. I don’t want people to care about me, not that I don’t want to be cared for, but because I don’t want to hurt them. I don’t want them involved in my troubles. I would rather suffer a death 10 times over, each more terrible than the last, then let someone I considered a friend to suffer even the slightest pain because of them trying to help me.

I don’t want anyone to be in trouble because of me, I’ll bear all the weight on my own shoulders, walk all the treacherous miles, in order to keep the ones I care for as happy as possible. For my happiness doesn’t matter, I’ll suffer all the pain in the world for others to be happy, that’s all I ask for. I want my loved ones to be as happy as possible, even if it destroys me, if it kills me.

I’ll be alone if that’s what it takes. I’ll never let anyone in. I’ll l never be close to anyone. I won’t be hurt because someone betrayed my trust, and I won’t hurt anyone from getting involved in my troublesome life.

But one person.

There is one person I desire so much that I’m allowing myself to get close to him. I’m telling him things about me that I have never told anyone. I’m allowing my guard to drop, my defenses to fall. I’m giving him the chance to absolutely destroy me, he could tear apart at any second, and if he did I would be so devastated that I wouldn’t know what to do with my life. It would surely be the last time I would ever trust. Surely it would be the last time I would try and let people in. I would give up.

But I guess that’s what love is, giving someone the power to destroy you completely, but trusting them not to.