Problems and Relationships

I feel like I'm stringing him on. He's a nice guy, but I don't like him like he likes me. I feel absolutely no motivation to make this relationship work except for the fact that I don't want to hurt him. But I'm willing to try. We don't act any differently—he's still sweet, I'm still abusive, just like when we were only friends—except now he stands really close and walks me to my lockers. I'm not sure how I feel about that. On one hand, I just don't like him like that. On the other hand, I think that it might just be because I've really been single my whole life. I don't know how these things are supposed to feel. I want to feel safe; I want bells, not uncertainty. Over the years I've convinced myself that no one wants to go out with me right now because they're all losers and when I find the person that actually matters I'll know. That there will be something more there. Still, I don't deserve him. He needs to find someone better than me. I'm not fit for relationships. It's not even for sure a relationship yet. He just asked to make me dinner. I made it a movie instead. Sure, it's a date, but he didn't ask me to be his girlfriend or anything. Even so, everyone is making it out like we're going to get married or something. We. Are. Not. Going. Out.

Update: He's mad at me. The date was fine, but just that… fine. Not great. The movie, on the other hand, absolutely sucked. Don't go see Valentine's Day. It has no plot line. He asked me out again and I very gently told him that I would rather we just stay friends. He's not speaking to me anymore. He won't even look at me. Just because I don't want a serious relationship doesn't mean that I want a bad relationship or not even one at all.

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On a side note and completely unrelated, I think mibba is taking over. Everything I write is for you. Every assignment I've turned in I can't wait to get back so I can post it. I think I have a problem.