you pretend for us

Maybe I should stop complaining about how horrible life is when, in retrospect, it isnt that horrible. My petty problems dont mean anything to people cause their lives are worse than mine. Im sure they all just sit there and think: “When will she just shut up?” whenever I talk about my ‘problems’. I really have no problems. Im just depressed, but what teenager isnt these days? Exactly.

I have a pretty good life when I look at it from an outside view. I have a God who absolutely adores me and loves me for all that I am. I have parents who love me unconditionally. I have my friends who, even though some of them hurt me, love me and are willing to do something for me if I ask. I have a sister who would go through hell a back for me and who would take a bullet for me even if it were me who was supposed to take the bullet.

But, if all this is true, then why do I constantly feel like crap? I feel like all that I do is overlooked or disregarded. Ive thought about things. Doing things just to see what itd be like. But Im too scared. My sister told me about what my mom did when she found out what my sister had been doing. She was not happy in the least. But cant my mom understand why she did it? My mom said she felt the same way I do when she was in high school. She said she thought about it alot. And, honestly? That scares me. My mom is my mom. And shes been there for me my entire life. I dont know what Id do if anything happened to her.

And my best friend. I was on the phone with her when she tried it. And I think thats when it began for me. This feeling of depression and crapyness. She scared me so bad that night. I dont think I’ll ever forget it.

Is it bad that I was jealous of her at the time? Probably, huh? I still kinda hate myself for it, but its hard. Everyone was so worried about her and asking her if she was okay almost everyday. I felt inferior to everyone, then. And I guess I still kind of do. But theres nothing I can do about that. Feelings are feelings. You cant explain them and its way too hard to try and control them.

But then theres him. And he makes me feel… I dont even really know. But I feel something when Im around him. Lately its been pain and hurt, but he isnt meaning to. Hes concerned about me, I think. Or maybe he just feels sorry for me. Or maybe he tells Kade how annoying and pathetic I am. I dont know. He doesnt really text me much anymore. It took him two hours to text me back and the other day, he didnt even text me back at all. I think Im going to stop texting him. If he ever wants to talk to me, he can text me first or something. Im tired of putting myself out there for him, to make sure hes okay, and get nothing in return.

Anyway, I really dont know what this post was about. I dont really think it has a valid point. But if I were to give it one, itd probably be that I feel inferior to anyone and everyone (even whores) and I really dont know how to shake the feeling.

Thats the end of my rant or whatever.