Today I realized something quite life changing to my sixteen year old self. I largely dislike the one person who could potentially be my best friend. And I say potentially because, I've never had a best friend.
I've had friends, I have friends. But I've never had a friend that seems to go along with the definition of a best friend. A couple of months ago I was talking to Carly who was explaining to me how long she knew our mutual friend Ashley. And how close they are, and it dawned on me that I've never had that.
When I informed Carly of this a little dis-leveled about it. She suggested two people she assumed had once been or where my best friends. I was actually surprised at the names she came up with, Jessica who I had recently started to hang around with and Courtney.
Two people that probably considered me a best friend at some point in time. Which puzzled me because I always thought that best friends share with each other their thoughts and feelings.
And I don't tell people things that actually matter. People tell me their secrets and I smile and nod politely but I never consider telling them any of mine. The closest I've come to that sort of friendship would probably be with Courtney.
But she's the person the I just realized that I largely dislike. Its taking me a while to realize this but, whenever I'm around her, I literally feel bad about myself. She always makes it seem like she doesn't want to talk to me or even acknowledge my presence.
Unless its convenient to her. And when that time rolls around she wants to make fun of people. And when she's making fun of a girl who has acne problems or weight problems I can't help but look at myself in the mirror and wonder what she says about me behind my back.
It makes me want to scrub my face and not eat for two months after I talk to her.
I've always wondered why it didn't bother me when we drifted apart after we entered high school. Now for the first time in a year and half I have a class with her and have to make conversation with her everyday,
Allowing me to figure out why I was never bothered when we didn't talk for months. I don't think she does it on purpose. But that's how I feel when I talk to her. I guess that's why I'm not very sad that she's moving...
Not registered?
Create an account