Looking For A Lost Friend, Eventhough You Hate Me.

Heart pounding, mind racing, body shaking, tears close to falling..
I miss you, eventhough I know you hate me.. What did I ever do wrong, please let me know.. .__. You were my first real best friend, and I will never forget about you. What ever happened to us? I miss what we once had.. I miss you so much it hurts.

She doesn't want to speak to me, I know that. But I miss her. 'She' is my best friend during my hell years in 4th and 5th grade. She was my first true best friend, she was my sister, my rock. I could tell her anything. It's thanks to her that I didn't kill myself back then.
But, then I moved. We sort of lost contact, but I tried to call her as much as I could. In the beginning we could sit for hours on end on the phone, talking about everything and nothing. Laughing, crying, teasing.. I loved her, in a compleatly friendly and sisterly way, nothing more.

Then, she crushed me. Compleatly. I called her, as I knew her home phonenumber by heart, and I still do, and she pciked up. It had been a while since we last talked, but just a couple of months earlier I had been with her, spending a week at her place. I was so happy to hear her voice.. Too bad I can't say the same thing for her..

When she heard who it was she sighed heavily and said, in a quite bitter tone, that she didn't want to talk to me, then hung up.
I tried calling her again, the next day. Her father picked up and told me that I knew why she didn't wanted to talk to me.

The thing is, that I didn't.. I still don't..

That was the last thing I heard off her.. And since then, not a single day has passed without her being on my mind.
Not knowing why she suddenly decided to hate me makes the whole thing a lot more painfull. As does the fact that no matter how hard I try to forget her phone number, I can't. I even find my fingers press those numbers, her numbers, at times when I am holding a phone.

It hurts so much I can hardly breath at times. I can not put into words how much she ment to me, and now I haven't heard from her in years..

She's turning 20 this year.. I know, because she's two years older than me.. I wonder how she's going to celibrate her 20th birthday..
I wonder if she has a boyfriend.
I wonder if she has a job.
I wonder how she's doing in life.

Things I want to know, but probibly never will get the answer to. Because she hates me, for unknown reason.

She might hate me, but I will always love her. Eventhough she compleatly crushed me, I still love her. I always will, for as long as I live.

She was more than just my best firend, she was my sister, my twin. And I will never foget her, eventhough she has forgotten about me..