break down so badly

My life is so fucked up
I don't know what to do with it, I don't even give a shit anymore
All I know is one thing, I want to make music, play in the band
but the rest of my life is gone to crap
I'm sick with so many thing you'd think be dead by now
There's so much they don't know
My depression just triggered more and more things
I just want to break down
but I cant.
I can't trust anyone with something so fragile
I want to break down in my best friend's arms
and hear from him that I'm safe, and nothing can hurt me, and that he'll protect me.
But I can't hear that from him
I don't think that he thinks of me in that way
The truth is, everyone thinks we're together, we're always seen with each other
Its just hard cause I think I'm considering being with him. I want to be with him.
I'm not sure if I love him.
It's just that. I need him. so bady. not just as a friend.
advice/help/comments would be nice