I remember... loving you...

I have always been a simple, yet complex person. Lately I have been contemplating everything that I have done for the past 7 years that I have made my way through my teenage years. I remember every detail, every image, every word that has ever been said. I remember the pain and heartache that was laid before me when I was at the age of fifteen. I remember the painful expression in my eyes when I was left behind by another person, after another, after another, and the next as I waited to be thrown away again as usual. The routine became so familiar that I started to shrug at the thought, sometimes ignoring the metaphor of being "stabbed in the back" by everyone that entered my life.
But I have changed, as I have seen many things throughout my teenage years. I have grown to a more insecure, complex, and hidden person. I received the message that I was not wanted. I was merely being used as a tool to carry on to a better future, where I will once be erased from their memories. I tried not to get hurt. I was simply avoiding the process of elimination, but this could never be. Some people are meant to be in your life, while others are only shooting stars and in a flash they disappear in a blink of an eye. Without warning, they leave you breathless as you wait for another to pass by.
I admit my foolish attempt to bring my past back. To survive this cruel and complicated world, filled with hatred, regret, suffering, and pain. How could I survive alone? But I figured... if I were to be in a room full of people and felt alone anyway, there was simply no point in trying to find someone who will be around.
I'm a complex guy. I try to capture and analyze all the facts being written. I never judge a person and always try to remove the anxiety and pain from all the heartache that is caused. So why am I telling you this after being away for so long? Why should I explain myself to a stranger who has the intentions of walking out without a thought in his or her mind that I DON'T wish to be alone.
I am simply....reaching out.... reaching out to you and hoping that you will take me somewhere I belong; somewhere I will be able to roam freely without being carried away into a mess of complaints and criticism.
I guess it proves that no matter how deeply you fall in love, there will always be SOME reason you would want to rid of your feelings. With love, comes pain that you cannot ignore. It is a matter of strength, a test of will and character, a request that you put YOUR life before another person's hands as he or she does the same to you. We all have to remember that with love, you are not the only one involved. As a wise young man once said, "You've unknowingly put your life, your heart into the palms of another persons hands" because there is a world of a difference between feeling 'happy' and feeling whole.
But why should I be explaining this? Why should I even bother giving a definition of this to you? Maybe it's because I am desperate to show you my weakness, my strengths, and my insanity. Maybe I am just barely realizing that I do not want to hold all my emotions into a black hole and instead show you how devastating it is to feel this way... I want to spill my heart for you like I once remember promising.
Is it pointless? Is it worth the cause? Even though I already know that we both change very quickly, that time does not stand still for either of us, and that we should move on. I once gained innocence, recall receiving your heart and love, years before a mess of drama had dragged us into an exchange of doubt. I remember... loving you... and that's all I will remember.
And I am writing this for countless of reasons, but one I can always agree to: I can never picture my life without you and I want you to be happy. So I gave you my heart and NOW I DARE you. Do what you will. Mash it into mince meat. Or forget I ever handed it to you. As long as you have it...