There is a Bloody Camel in my living room AKA Three journals and a Crack Poem

There is a Bloody Camel in my living room… where the hell did it come from?
Seriously? Where did it come from? Like, who owns a fricken actual sized statue ON WHEELS of a camel? What is the point? It was pretty, but I just about pissed myself when I saw it (who expects one of those to be in their house? Really?). A cool bit of art, I can respect that, but why is there a camel in the house! There doesn’t need to be a camel, and where the hell did we get it (Okay, revised statement, my brother bought it for ten bucks at a garage sale. He’s donating it to ARC as we speak… good riddance)? It was taking up space… and it was a camel, like, really. I still cannot get over it. Who has a life-sized camel statue in their house? (please, comment if you do) A horse I can understand and I’ve seen one of a tiger, but a camel? Does anyone else find that just out of the normality?
Okay. I’m done.
But, sheesh, a f*cking camel?

The Pursuit of Happiness… among other things
Should be titled: Rules for Deady’s Life. Deal with it.
So, like, I decided to write about them because I was bored and had nothing better to do.
Giggle, giggle snort, snort.
Yeah, I’m weird, get over it.
Compassion: So… yeah. First one. Oo-la-la.
Humility: Everyone hear of this word? Good. If you haven’t, there’s a reason Webster created a dictionary. Please note this does not mean Humiliate. No. That’s wrong.
Patience: The opposite of… uh… I don’t know, actually.
Honesty: Really? Is there an explanation for this one? Didn’t think so. Note that this one can sometimes be twisted. You lie about something that determines another’s life (see 12 Angry Men for an example) that’s just downright wrong. Lie to your mother about a prank? Well, if that’s what’s taking me to Hell, I’m f*cked.
Foul Language: Naughty, naughty. But before you get after me screaming hypocrite at the top of your lungs, let me explain. I don’t mean this in the “OMG you f*cking Cussed! You’re gonna go to hell!” No. I meant by saying something foul or dirty or just down-right cruel.
Like Fag. Calling someone a fag is pretty much saying that they’re a group of sticks tied together used to burn witches. Or calling someone a B!tch, not the friendly way, because we all know how someone says that, no. What I mean is that someone is saying this to cause harm to another person by saying they’re no better than a female dog.
And boy. Nice words can turn really nasty when you phrase them certain ways. I should know. I’ve heard them.

Totems, auroras, and “Which Character Are You?”
So, like, I just found out my totem the other day (by a professional, not those evil, stupid quizzes that one can find on Google) and it was… sort of fabulous and sort of… disappointing, I should say. I love wolves—actually, love is an understatement—and took one of the online quizzes that said, hey, you’re a wolf. Cool.
Except I’m not. Being the ickle child that I was, I never questioned the quiz, and left it at that. Six years later, here I am, and a friend of my mom’s smiled at me and asked a few questions before waving her hands and stating, quite simply.
“You’re a Jaguar.”
I felt like Harry Potter. “I’m a what?”
“You’re totem. It is a Jaguar.”
Well, that was unexpected. So I told her that I had been declared a wolf a few years prior, but she shook her head. “No, you’re too much of a loner to be a wolf. Similar, but not quite.”
So, I am a big, predatory cat.
Neat.
Next, she went on about my color. Really. Not kidding. It was kind of strange, being torn apart like that. Didn’t really bother me, though. I’ve know this woman since I was born; she’s my Godmother.
Cha, apparently, my color is black. “You’re mysterious and dark, but not in a bad way, rather like a misunderstood way, are you getting this?”
Hell yeah.
Last quiz I took told me I was blue.
F*ck Blue. I hate that color, almost as much as I hate pink… okay, so that’s an exaggeration. I actually like blue, but it’s not my favorite (neon green is, but black and blue are the two colors that go with everything).

The Jaguar
The South American name "jaguar" means “carnivore that overcomes prey with a single bound." One Indian myth says that the jaguar acquired its beautiful spotted coat by dabbing mud on its body with its paws. These spots easily distinguish the jaguar from other big cats like lions and tigers.
Jaguars have very large paws and a broad head with powerful jaws. The jaguar often kills its prey by piercing the skull with one swift bite. It does not roar like a lion. Instead, the jaguar grows, snarls and makes deep grunts. Those with this totem have a good command of language although their words can have a tendency to cut, tear and shred others apart. Learning proper communication skills is important for those that hold this medicine.
The jaguar's powerful limbs carry them for hundreds of miles searching for prey. It is an agile climber and shows us how to attain goals through flexibility and steadfastness. Unlike many other big cats, the jaguar has no rivals - no other predator can compete with this powerful cat. Those with this totem make excellent leaders and diplomats.
Jaguar is at home in the dark and has good night vision. It moves without fear and teaches us how to trust our personal instincts. It can awaken psychic sight in those who hold this totem.
The jaguar was once found from the U.S. Mexican border southward to Patagonia, Argentina. Its preferred habitats are usually swamps and wooded regions, but jaguars can also live in scrublands and deserts. Jaguars live in caves and canyons close to a source of fresh water. In mythology caves are associated with isolation and retreat. A place to go to facilitate soul work. Water is associated with the emotional body in man. When the jaguar appears it is asking you to go within, release your fears, heal your emotions and awaken your inner sight.
When you come out of retreat the jaguar will be waiting for you. It you choose to follow its lead it will guide you into the underworld where the secrets of life and creation are found.

Hell yeah.

Crack Poem:
I saw Teenage Porn in the Parking Lot
No shame
really.
To do it there.
Get
a
room.